I Don't Know What to Say, So I'm Saying Everthing

It isn't too often that I am able to sleep in on a Sunday morning.  Usually the kids get up early (around 6;30-7) and my beauty sleep is disturbed.  This particular Sunday morning I was able to stay in bed until past 9 because the kids got up and played quietly downstairs.  While I was getting my breakfast ready, I unplugged my cellphone and discovered that I had missed two phone calls that morning.  Both were from my parents.  I listened to their messages and knew that there was something wrong.  My dad was in the background pleading for me to call them back.  I called immediately and they broke the news to me that my nephew, Ryan, had died Saturday night.  We talked for a bit and then I had to process the news alone, so I hung up and sat down on the floor in the kitchen. 

On November 2, my 16-year old nephew died.  He died of an accidental gun shot to the neck while he and his buddies (including his 18-year old brother) were cleaning their guns after hunting.  He died nearly instantly with his brother by his side.  My brother has lost a child and that has to be something so painful to experience.  Everyone was in shell shock.  There wasn't time to prepare to say good bye, he was just gone.  Kelly (my brother) said that he doesn't have any regrets with how he spent those 16 years with Ryan.  They had a great relationship and they knew that they each loved one another.  I'm happy for them about that.

The high school student body and the town of Burley Idaho rallied around Ryan's family and friends.  By Sunday evening it was known throughout the Facebook community to wear blue on Monday in honor of Ryan.  Thousands of personal profile pictures were changed to a blue box for Ryan.  It was amazing to see how people showed respect and love to our families.  Even surrounding high schools and communities wore blue and have supported them.

I'm not sure how to continue on with my thoughts.  Everything is feeling rambled. I just want to write everything down that I can remember so that I don't forget:

• I never, ever want to belong to the club that my brother and his wife have just joined.  The club of parent's who have had a child die is full of many wonderful people but I hope to be spared from membership.
• I found myself playing the piano a lot the first week after Ryan died.  I played a lot of peaceful songs, not dark or angry songs (I have a list of songs that I play when I am angry, but they didn't speak to me) I worked on my recital piece, played Christmas songs and hymns.  Music was very calming to me.  I probably played for 2 hours a day in 20-30 minute sessions.  I love how healing it was
• I had a melt down at Target a few days before the funeral.  I had to leave right then and Jane wasn't cool on that plan.  We left with her screaming and crying, so people probably thought that I was leaving because of her but it was totally my fault.
• I found that if I breath very deeply, and slowly that I can stop body shaking sobs.
• Kelly called me Tuesday afternoon while I was in the van in the parking lot.  I texted him on Sunday but didn't want to bother him.  I knew that he was getting a lot of attention (phone calls, visits) and I didn't want to add to that burden.  It would drive me crazy to have all of those people around me and calling me when I am trying to process a close death, so I let him know that I loved him.  It is hard to figure out how to not intrude but also not ignore.  Texts and Facebook messages really are nice to communicate at ones leisure.
• Daniel does not love road trips- and this one was just 3 hours each way!  We decided to head up to Idaho Friday morning  and come back that evening.  It made for a long day, but it worked out fine.  Thank goodness the kids travel better than their dad!
• I was not very close to  Ryan, so I didn't know a lot about him.  His mom gave the eulogy at the funeral and it was beautiful.  Jenn did an amazing job highlighting things about Ryan and their family.  I felt as though I go to know him better (which made me sad that I didn't know him better when he was alive). 
• Ryan wouldn't know how much to appreciate this little fact about me, but I shaved my legs and I wore a dress to the funeral.  I don't do much of either (I shave more often than wearing a dress though), but I knew that it was an important way for me to show my respect and love to him. 
• Burley has roughly 10,000 people and there was about 1000 at the funeral.  That is just amazing.
• When I walked into the church an hour before the funeral, the overflow seating was filled half way, but it was silent.  The silence was very respectful and beautiful. 
• I don't like seeing dead bodies. They did a great job disguising his injuries, but I still didn't like it.  I understand how it is important to other people to see the body though. 
• During the family prayer right before they closed the casket, I made the mistake of looking over and Kelly and Jenn.  They were holding hands and they looked so despondent. I watched Kelly as the casket was being closed and I could see that he was having a hard time being strong. 
• As we drove to the cemetery, the cars on the opposite side of the street all pulled over to the side of the street and waited for the funeral procession.  I thought that it was very respectful.
• Kelly gives great hugs. 
• This experience has opened up a dialogue between me and Daniel about what we would want and how we would want things to happen if one of our children were to die or when one of us dies.  It isn't anything fun to talk about, but it will make it easier to know what we expect from each other.  
• My heart breaks when I think about Craig, the boy who picked up the gun when it went off.  It was a total accident, but he is struggling and feeling terrible.  I am so glad that my brother's family have been accepting of him and are showing him love and forgiveness.  The poor kid. 
• My neighbors and friends are amazing.  I had a hug when it was desperately needed, breakfast supplied, gas money for the road trip, prayers, thoughts and thinking of you messages and I had help rounding up a blue shirt for Seth, hemming my dress and help with the dishes (in the form of paper plates!).
• It really is hard to know what to do for someone when they experience a death in the family or of a close friend.  I honestly didn't know how to help Kelly and his family.  I realized that doing dishes is difficult on the best of days and I knew that they wouldn't have a lot 'best' days for a while, so I supplied them with paper plates, bowls, plastic utensils, paper towels, and garbage bags to take care of the extra trash.  I gave them a box of tissues (with lotion) and a package of toilet paper.  I told Kelly that the tissues were to wipe their tears and the toilet paper was because this is just a shitty thing to go through as a parent.  (That is something that is right up Kelly's humor alley!)
• My sisters and I put together a wreath for Ryan.  We didn't want to do flowers, because they die and we think that it is kind of cruel, so we decided to make a wreath out of cars because he loved racecars.  He had dreams of working his way into the racing circuits after his mission. He was in the top 100 in the nation in the computer racing world.  The wreath turned out even better that I had envisioned.  It was a great tribute to Ryan and a healing time for me, Denise and Kim to be together (even though I got a migraine from the glue we used).
• My day to day life wasn't changed when Ryan died, but it was for Kelly, Jenn, Kyle, Natalie and Tyler.  They have to figure out their new kind of normal with out Ryan and my heart aches for them to have to experience it. 
• I've heard that time doesn't make the pain go away, but it makes it easier to handle the pain of a death. 
• I'm finding myself snuggling with Jane a little bit longer than I used to. I am enjoying listening to my children play together more than I did last month. Patience is not my virtue, but I've been trying to be more patient with the kids, show them more love and make sure that they know how much I love them.  
• As we drove home from Idaho, there was a beautiful sunset.  It was very peaceful.  The colors in the sky changed and they lingered for a long time.  In a way I used that as my send off  or my final goodbye to Ryan. 
• My kids and I love Nesquick. chocolate powder.  We discovered that Ryan loved it too, so now when I pull out my big bucket of Nesquick, it puts a smile on my face because it reminds me of Ryan.  That is what I will always remember about him, is his big smile, he was such a great kid! 

Rest in peace Ryan
With love, your favorite Aunt Sherron