I Don't Know What to Say, So I'm Saying Everthing

It isn't too often that I am able to sleep in on a Sunday morning.  Usually the kids get up early (around 6;30-7) and my beauty sleep is disturbed.  This particular Sunday morning I was able to stay in bed until past 9 because the kids got up and played quietly downstairs.  While I was getting my breakfast ready, I unplugged my cellphone and discovered that I had missed two phone calls that morning.  Both were from my parents.  I listened to their messages and knew that there was something wrong.  My dad was in the background pleading for me to call them back.  I called immediately and they broke the news to me that my nephew, Ryan, had died Saturday night.  We talked for a bit and then I had to process the news alone, so I hung up and sat down on the floor in the kitchen. 

On November 2, my 16-year old nephew died.  He died of an accidental gun shot to the neck while he and his buddies (including his 18-year old brother) were cleaning their guns after hunting.  He died nearly instantly with his brother by his side.  My brother has lost a child and that has to be something so painful to experience.  Everyone was in shell shock.  There wasn't time to prepare to say good bye, he was just gone.  Kelly (my brother) said that he doesn't have any regrets with how he spent those 16 years with Ryan.  They had a great relationship and they knew that they each loved one another.  I'm happy for them about that.

The high school student body and the town of Burley Idaho rallied around Ryan's family and friends.  By Sunday evening it was known throughout the Facebook community to wear blue on Monday in honor of Ryan.  Thousands of personal profile pictures were changed to a blue box for Ryan.  It was amazing to see how people showed respect and love to our families.  Even surrounding high schools and communities wore blue and have supported them.

I'm not sure how to continue on with my thoughts.  Everything is feeling rambled. I just want to write everything down that I can remember so that I don't forget:

• I never, ever want to belong to the club that my brother and his wife have just joined.  The club of parent's who have had a child die is full of many wonderful people but I hope to be spared from membership.
• I found myself playing the piano a lot the first week after Ryan died.  I played a lot of peaceful songs, not dark or angry songs (I have a list of songs that I play when I am angry, but they didn't speak to me) I worked on my recital piece, played Christmas songs and hymns.  Music was very calming to me.  I probably played for 2 hours a day in 20-30 minute sessions.  I love how healing it was
• I had a melt down at Target a few days before the funeral.  I had to leave right then and Jane wasn't cool on that plan.  We left with her screaming and crying, so people probably thought that I was leaving because of her but it was totally my fault.
• I found that if I breath very deeply, and slowly that I can stop body shaking sobs.
• Kelly called me Tuesday afternoon while I was in the van in the parking lot.  I texted him on Sunday but didn't want to bother him.  I knew that he was getting a lot of attention (phone calls, visits) and I didn't want to add to that burden.  It would drive me crazy to have all of those people around me and calling me when I am trying to process a close death, so I let him know that I loved him.  It is hard to figure out how to not intrude but also not ignore.  Texts and Facebook messages really are nice to communicate at ones leisure.
• Daniel does not love road trips- and this one was just 3 hours each way!  We decided to head up to Idaho Friday morning  and come back that evening.  It made for a long day, but it worked out fine.  Thank goodness the kids travel better than their dad!
• I was not very close to  Ryan, so I didn't know a lot about him.  His mom gave the eulogy at the funeral and it was beautiful.  Jenn did an amazing job highlighting things about Ryan and their family.  I felt as though I go to know him better (which made me sad that I didn't know him better when he was alive). 
• Ryan wouldn't know how much to appreciate this little fact about me, but I shaved my legs and I wore a dress to the funeral.  I don't do much of either (I shave more often than wearing a dress though), but I knew that it was an important way for me to show my respect and love to him. 
• Burley has roughly 10,000 people and there was about 1000 at the funeral.  That is just amazing.
• When I walked into the church an hour before the funeral, the overflow seating was filled half way, but it was silent.  The silence was very respectful and beautiful. 
• I don't like seeing dead bodies. They did a great job disguising his injuries, but I still didn't like it.  I understand how it is important to other people to see the body though. 
• During the family prayer right before they closed the casket, I made the mistake of looking over and Kelly and Jenn.  They were holding hands and they looked so despondent. I watched Kelly as the casket was being closed and I could see that he was having a hard time being strong. 
• As we drove to the cemetery, the cars on the opposite side of the street all pulled over to the side of the street and waited for the funeral procession.  I thought that it was very respectful.
• Kelly gives great hugs. 
• This experience has opened up a dialogue between me and Daniel about what we would want and how we would want things to happen if one of our children were to die or when one of us dies.  It isn't anything fun to talk about, but it will make it easier to know what we expect from each other.  
• My heart breaks when I think about Craig, the boy who picked up the gun when it went off.  It was a total accident, but he is struggling and feeling terrible.  I am so glad that my brother's family have been accepting of him and are showing him love and forgiveness.  The poor kid. 
• My neighbors and friends are amazing.  I had a hug when it was desperately needed, breakfast supplied, gas money for the road trip, prayers, thoughts and thinking of you messages and I had help rounding up a blue shirt for Seth, hemming my dress and help with the dishes (in the form of paper plates!).
• It really is hard to know what to do for someone when they experience a death in the family or of a close friend.  I honestly didn't know how to help Kelly and his family.  I realized that doing dishes is difficult on the best of days and I knew that they wouldn't have a lot 'best' days for a while, so I supplied them with paper plates, bowls, plastic utensils, paper towels, and garbage bags to take care of the extra trash.  I gave them a box of tissues (with lotion) and a package of toilet paper.  I told Kelly that the tissues were to wipe their tears and the toilet paper was because this is just a shitty thing to go through as a parent.  (That is something that is right up Kelly's humor alley!)
• My sisters and I put together a wreath for Ryan.  We didn't want to do flowers, because they die and we think that it is kind of cruel, so we decided to make a wreath out of cars because he loved racecars.  He had dreams of working his way into the racing circuits after his mission. He was in the top 100 in the nation in the computer racing world.  The wreath turned out even better that I had envisioned.  It was a great tribute to Ryan and a healing time for me, Denise and Kim to be together (even though I got a migraine from the glue we used).
• My day to day life wasn't changed when Ryan died, but it was for Kelly, Jenn, Kyle, Natalie and Tyler.  They have to figure out their new kind of normal with out Ryan and my heart aches for them to have to experience it. 
• I've heard that time doesn't make the pain go away, but it makes it easier to handle the pain of a death. 
• I'm finding myself snuggling with Jane a little bit longer than I used to. I am enjoying listening to my children play together more than I did last month. Patience is not my virtue, but I've been trying to be more patient with the kids, show them more love and make sure that they know how much I love them.  
• As we drove home from Idaho, there was a beautiful sunset.  It was very peaceful.  The colors in the sky changed and they lingered for a long time.  In a way I used that as my send off  or my final goodbye to Ryan. 
• My kids and I love Nesquick. chocolate powder.  We discovered that Ryan loved it too, so now when I pull out my big bucket of Nesquick, it puts a smile on my face because it reminds me of Ryan.  That is what I will always remember about him, is his big smile, he was such a great kid! 

Rest in peace Ryan
With love, your favorite Aunt Sherron

   

From Manager to Consultant

My cousin posted this on her Facebook page and I really like it.  I like the sentiment, the comparisons and the responsibilities it defines.  Seeing as how I am raising three boys who will one day be men and one girl who will be a woman, it is a heavy responsibility to accept that Daniel and I are the ones in charge of giving them experiences and teaching moments to learn how to be wise and compassionate individuals. 

Over the years I have read a lot of parenting books.  Some are great resources and others just haven't fit into my paradigm of parenting.    I'm glad that I have the confidence in my abilities to take bits and pieces of books here and there and add them to my parenting tool belt and leave advice on the table that I don't agree with. 

A few years ago I started to read books about dealing with teenagers.  I wanted to get a feel of what to expect before I had a teen in the house.  I've read a lot about physical, mental and emotional development of teenagers.  I've read tips and hints of how to deal with things, but nothing prepared me for actually dealing with the teenager in MY home!  I don't think that there is a book out there that can prescribe exactly how to do things in my family because the dynamics of each family is so different. Even the dynamics of each child is different.  Right now I really wish that I could figure out how to be better at my reactions, because that is where I am struggling right now- I get upset over behaviors and it escalates the situation instead of calming them.  Sometimes I think that I am acting like the teenager! 

I came across two books that I really enjoyed reading.  They are both by Michael Riera, PhD.  They are considered to be companion books, so they compliment each other and sometimes repeat the same information.  The first book is titled: Uncommon Sense for Parents with Teenagers  
and the second book is titled: Staying Connected To Your Teenager. 

Before I return these to the library, I wanted to jot down a few of the notes that I took while reading them, so here we go.

The big paradigm shift that Dr. Riera pushes in his books is for parents to go from being the manager to being the consultant (except for situations of health and safety) of your teen.  This is a hard thing to do, but I can see how beneficial it is.  We have stepped back from managing Mark in stages- as his maturity progresses- and it has really helped our relationship!

I really like this idea.  I see how parents who don't give up the role of manager struggle with their teens.  In Uncommon Sense for Parents with Teenagers, he says:

As a consultant, you willingly give up the illusion of power in favor of real influence.  Clinging to pseudo-power over a teenager is what inadvertently leads him into accepting sneakiness and lying as viable strategies within the parent-adolescent relationship. pg. 7   

He talks about how if you find yourself fighting with your teen over and over again about the same thing (a friend, hairstyle, clothes, messy room, church etc.) that you need to step away from the problem and focus on your energy on healing your relationship because your connection affects them more than your words or expectations. 

Dr. Riera says that confusion is good.  Say what?  I hate to be confused.   We tend to try to stay in our comfort zone and when we are pushed outside of that comfort zone, we feel confusion.  That confusion, if confronted and worked on, turns into clarity and allows our comfort zone to expand.  The problem that we tend to run into is that we mistake confusion for stupidity or something negative of that sort and we turn to the fight or flight instinct.  Confusion is an opportunity to learn something new, so it is a good thing.  With a bit of patience and persistence, you will find that clarity will replace the confusion.  This concept applies to adults as well as teens.

There is a section on integrity that I really enjoyed.  He showed how having a high level of integrity (he uses integrity as a sense of wholeness or completeness) contributes to having good self-esteem.  He argues that there is a difference between integrity and morality in the view that morality informs you of what choices are available for a circumstance and integrity is what you actually do in those moments.  The time that a teen learns most about his integrity is when he does something and regrets it.  They learn to value their integrity through failures.  He teaches that as a consulting parent you should help your child tune into their own intuition.  Help them recognize that intuition and integrity go hand in hand- you are able to hear your intuition better when you are behaving in ways that keeps your integrity  in check. 

I've never been a mother to a 12-year-old before and this is Mark's first time being 12, so we need to cut each other some slack in learning our roles.  I've told Mark this several times now and I get a little laugh out of him.  I'm trying to understand Mark and apply what I learn into improving my relationship with him.  Our relationship really improved when I loosened the apron strings a bit.  I will continue to loosen the apron strings as he gets older.  Pretty soon he'll be wearing his own apron- he'll be completely in charge of his own life.  I'm kind of excited to see what kind of man he will be.  As hard as it is to raise children, I am looking forward to this stage of parenthood. 

 

 

I'm Flying!

Daniel

When thinking about ways to celebrate Daniel's Golden birthday, I thought about trying to match events to things that he likes to do such as reading, playing computers, watching movies, golfing, etc.  I was working on a few ideas for his final installment of the celebration but nothing was working out.  I wanted to give him an experience that he had never had before. 

Daniel will tell me about dreams that he has where he flies.  He has these dreams a lot.  In his dreams he will fly everywhere and he loves it.  If it weren't for his profound fear of heights when he is awake, he would probably pursue hang gliding or something to that effect.  There is an indoor skydiving place called iFLY about an hour away from our house, so I set up an appointment for Daniel to go flying! We decided to have the boys join in the fun.  I wasn't overly interested in participating, so Jane and I joined as the spectators!  My brother, Dan, lives in Ogden, so we came along with us.  It was great to spend time with Dan!

An interesting thing happened with Seth.  He got a little bit scared at the last minute and decided not to fly.  He is afraid of heights and when you stand on the mesh, you can see down about 20 feet.  He was adamant that he didn't want to do it when they were getting their flying gear on. The instructor came over to him and tried to talk him into joining, I tried and Daniel tried, but Seth held strong.  I was rather proud of Seth for sticking to his guns and not letting other people persuade him to do something that he wasn't comfortable doing.

Daniel

Paul- the instructor is telling him to straighten his legs

Paul

Mark

Mark

Dan

 

Dan

Daniel had a blast!  He had a huge smile on his face the entire time.  It is physically exhausting to hold your body up in the right position to hover in the air.  Everyone had two turns that lasted 1 minute 15 seconds each.  Dan figured out how to do it the best and he was able to go pretty high! We all had a great time watching the instructor fly around, too.  He would go up really high and then dive down toward the side of the tunnel.  Jane was standing against the glass watching and he came down right next to her and frightened her.  She thought that it was really funny!   



The flying crew



My handsome family

 

And that concludes Daniel's golden birthday celebrations! 

Happy 40th birthday Daniel!

Our Homeschooling Adventure

I haven't written out my feelings and experiences with homeschooling Mark.  It seems a bit pointless now, though, because today was his first day back in public school- at his request.  The 'honeymoon' phase of homeschooling was over fast- in fact I'd dare say that it was a terrible honeymoon. 

We talked with Mark about what we would require of him if he were to homeschool.  We wrote down our goals for him and had him read them.  He agreed to our terms.  BUT, he didn't figure that we would follow through with them.  He figured that homeschooling would be easier than public school, that he could fly through his assignments within 2-3 hours a day, and that he could spend the rest of the day playing computer games.  Ummmm, do you want to take a look at that paper that we had you read?  It didn't allow for more than 2-3 hours of computer time and required 5-7 hours of study and volunteer time.  I didn't have all of the curriculum in place when we started, so I told him that he could do more of his computer programming and art each day until we got other things lined up.  He did the bare minimum of anything that he agreed to do. 

We had weekly meetings with me, Daniel and Mark.  Mark cried during all but two of the eight meetings that we had (not because we yelled at him or were mean, but because we told him that we would be adding more responsibility each week).  I cried after many of them.  The benefits of homeschooling (working at your own pace, spending time with family, field trips, setting your own schedule, etc.) are wonderful, but we couldn't allow Mark to homeschool without taking advantage of the academic benefits (learning more in depth about subjects, moving through textbooks more quickly,working on more subjects that aren't included in public school, etc). 

I have invested a lot of time into homeschooling.  The first half of my day is spent with Mark.  I enjoy his companionship (mostly), but I do not feel adequate to be his teacher in math and science.  I got a Bachelors of Arts, not a Bachelors of science for a good reason! I took algebra and I remember most of it, but I am not proficient in it.  He needed a better teacher.  Daniel is a great teacher and great at math, but he is really busy with work (two jobs/contracts right now plus cello and Tae Kwon Do) I did find a math resource that had instructional videos that we felt would help.  If I wasn't sitting down with Mark, he wouldn't work, but he figured that the hour that he just spent messing around while his math book was open counted as an hour of math being done.  I needed him to be more self-driven and show more effort (both issues were discussed in the afore mentioned paper)

We gave Mark an assignment to write two persuasive essays.  One on why he should homeschool and the other on why he should attend public school.  He had all day on Wednesday to do it, and we would discuss it at our weekly meeting on Sunday. Thursday was Thanksgiving so the day before and the day of I was super busy in the kitchen and shopping for groceries that I didn't check up on him.  On Friday I asked him if he had the essays done, and he threw a fit.  No, they weren't done- not even started- and he was mad that he had to do it.  We told him that he couldn't use the computer for anything until the essays were completed and turned in.  He sulked.  He was sour and mean to everyone.  A few hours later, Daniel was resting and Paul, Seth, Jane and I decided to go outside to play (the weather has been amazingly warm for November!) I decided to go and check on Mark and  I discovered that he had snuck onto the computer!  He retreated to his bedroom.  As I went upstairs, I realized that his journey  to homeschool was over. 

By Saturday morning, Mark hadn't started his essays.  Daniel gave him a deadline of noon.  If they weren't done, then he would definitely go to public school.  At noon he handed in two pages with bullet points on them.  It wasn't an essay and it was done very sloppily.  His objections to public school mounted to not wanting to stand at the bus stop in the cold weather and not being able to pick his schedule.  He said that reasons to not do homeschooling is because he has to work harder to be social (a requirement on our paper!) and he had to work harder with his school work.  He put "I'd have to put more effort into my studies.  It's not that I don't mind, but I really enjoy being lazy."

Homeschooling has to work for the family. Daniel was ready to call it quits after the first month.  Paul chided Mark a few weeks into our adventure saying, "You are ruining my chances to homeschool".  I wanted to work things through and over time get things to be how we wanted them to be. Right now I can't put the work and effort into his learning if he is going to be lazy.  I didn't realize exactly how much work it would be for me.  I really hoped that Mark would be a better independent learner.  We have no immediate plans for homeschooling any of our other children (except for Jane for preschool). I love that each family has the option for doing things to work for their family.

After 8 weeks of homeschooling, I am done.  I have mixed emotions about how things went.  I didn't expect this to make me feel so stupid- and teaching algebra made me feel that way (it has been nearly 16 years since I took algebra).  I didn't expect that I would cry so much over all of this (perhaps I would have cried over other things anyway- it has been a rough patch for me). 

Could we have made this work?  Maybe.  I'm positive that it would take a big toll on Mark and Daniel's relationship- it already had. Things may have worked out over the next year.  I was dedicated to doing it for a year, but Mark wasn't dedicated to doing it the way we had outlined at all.  I wonder if we had been doing homeschooling all along if it would have gone differently.  We  could have done things differently. We could have given this more time and perhaps had things turn around.  We struggled with knowing when to keep going and knowing when it was time to call it a day. 

Public school is going to be a lot of work for Mark.  He will be bored in class.  He will spend just under an hour walking through the hallways to change classes.  He will be subject to foul language and possibly bullying.  He will be surround by (gulp) girls (yes, he notices girls!).  He will learn to adhere to the rules set before him or reap the consequences.  He will struggle with deadlines. These are things that he will adapt to.  He will need to make choices as to what kind of person he wants to be and who he wants to associate with.  I am excited for him to make these choices- to watch him progress and become a young man.  He has been armed with the ability to make good choices.  It is up to him.  That is hard to accept as a parent.  I have to allow him to fail. 

I mentioned that he cried at all but two of our meetings.  The last meeting we had, I expected him to cry and throw a fit at us when we discussed the idea of him going back to public school, but he didn't.  He was very calm, easy to talk with, and almost relieved.  If he wasn't relieved, he was resigned.  He didn't want to do homeschooling OR public school, so he had to decide between the two.  He decided to go to public school (with a bit of persuasion on our part!).

I am at peace with our decision (but the house sure seems quiet today!)

Sensitive

I will be the first to admit that I am sensitive to violence, suspense, war and corruptness in movies, television shows and books.  I still get frightened when thinking about the flying monkeys and the Wicked Witch on the Wizard of Oz.  Yes, seriously.  I just don't handle scary things well.  I know that about myself and I understand that I am quite abnormal.  You will never see me volunteer to go to a haunted house.  I did go, once when I was about 15- hated the feeling that surrounded the place- I knew that the chainsaw didn't have chains on it, that the 'ghosts' were images, but there was such a dark and evil feeling that enveloped the area, that I couldn't feel comfortable.  I have issues with some of the computer games that are played in this house (I don't mind when they are fighting a hunk of wood, a big rock or a big spider, but when they are fighting other characters that are more human-looking, I get upset).  I don't quite understand how it doesn't bother other people, but I can respect that other people enjoy environments that I don't. 

Daniel will go to a movie and screen it for me.  Most times (like 19 out of 20) he will tell me that the movie will bother me.  It doesn't surprise me because just watching the trailer for most movies tells me that I can't watch the whole movie. 

When the trailers came out for The Lord of the Rings, they terrified me.  I would go out of the theater until the previews were over.  I have watched the cartoon version of The Hobbit. It use to scare me, but it doesn't anymore.  I'm not quite sure what has changed.  (Scooby-Do use to scare me, too, but doesn't now- at least not every episode- so I'm not quite as sensitive now as I use to be!)

I really enjoy reading books, so I was excited to pick up a new series called The Hunger Games.  I had heard a lot of people rave about them, but I had a bunch of things on my to-do list before I could start the series.  I had no idea what the books were about, so I enquired about the story line and I was horrified! The description reminded me a bit of Lord of the Flies (I had to read that book two years in a row in school and I hated it).  I went home and took my name off of the library waiting list. This series didn't interest me in the least. 

The movie came out and Daniel went with his brother, sister-in-law, and two nieces.  When he came back from the movie, he said that it is one that I should never see.  We got talking about the violence in the movie and how surprised he is that it is so popular with certain groups.  He said that the movie is well done, but that he didn't enjoy it and isn't tempted to read the books. 

When Daniel was telling me some details about the movie (because I was curious if it was really as violent as the story line hints) I started to feel sick.  When he told me about when the game participants start and go towards the supply table and a handful of people are killed right there, I started to cry.  I've never been this emotional towards movies, but I was so saddened that this type of entertainment is accepted and applauded. 

Mark wants to see the movie and I don't want him to. Daniel doesn't want him to see it either.   A lot of his friends have seen the movie, so he feels a bit left out.

Last night I discovered that kids have been playing Hunger Game Wars at school during recess.  They get 24 kids together, assign districts, and fight it out until only 2 are standing.  I know that they aren't really fighting to the death, and that they are 'fake fighting',  but it really upset me.  I talked with the boys about how it isn't an appropriate game to play at school, as it can get out of hand very easily, but they didn't seem to be worried about it and essentially dismissed my concerns.  As soon as I got the kids in bed, I emailed the school principal and told her about the games, just so that she is aware of it and can impliment some rules about it or make the recess aides aware of it is if she chooses to.  Am I overracting?  I don't feel like I am, but others may disagree with me.


Here is a Facebook conversation that I had with a friend from high school:

• Christina: Finally finished the disgusting Hunger Games series. Now what am I going to do avoid my list of things I really really need to get done?

• Victoria Not disgusting. Fabulous.
• Sherron Are you being real about the disgusting part? When I heard the story line I was turned off from reading the books, but it hasn't seemed to bother others. If you are serious, I am relieved to find someone who thinks it is disgusting.
  
• Christina Sherron, very real. The disgusting storyline is what kept me from jumping on the bandwagon for so long. But just like Twilight, the entertainment factor won over the insanely horrible message.

I have found it interesting that some people find the story to be 'fabulous' and aren't disturbed by the violence at all.  At least I know that a few other people feel the same way about the disgusting storyline, but even then, most of them will read the books or watch the movie as a way to feel that they fit in with society.  I am not judging other people for what they are comfortable with, even though it may seem as though I am.  In all fairness, I am just perplexed that my level of comfort is so far off from what the comfort level of the people around me is.  That is all. 

My emotions are raw right now, my sensitivity higher than normal.   My sensitivity can make me feel isolated sometimes.  Lately, with all of the excitement with this movie, I have realized how different I am. 

I'm Not Sure How To Say This

This week I had to share some sad news with my boys.  My sister-in-law's (Jenny) husband, Josh, died on Thursday morning due to a severe asthma attack.  I have never been particularly close to Josh, in fact we have had some rather negative interactions with him over the past 10 years.  Regardless of how our relationship was, it is still very sad that someone so young died.  Regardless of how well I knew him, or liked him, his wife is now a widow at age 30 and his nearly 10 year old daughter is without a dad.  

I knew that the boys needed tobe told that their Uncle Josh was dead, but I just didn't know how to say it.  They have never really known anyone who has died and I was not sure how they would handle the news.  I sat them down and told them that I had something serious to talk about.  It wasn't until I had their attention that I got really emotional and cried.  They were very sweet and had a few questions.  They took then news well.  They were really concerned about their cousin Talia. 

The thing that I was struggling with is that I wasn't sad about the loss of my relationship with Josh, because it was rather non-existent (the last time I saw him was about 2 years ago).  I didn't know him well at all, but I know that Jenny and Talia knew him very well and that his absence is felt very strongly by them.  My heart aches for Jenny.  She is so young.  She has a lot to deal with and I don't envy her position right now. 

My heart feels empty, yet full of grief and I'm not sure what to make of it. 

Jenny and Talia, I hope that you are able to find peace through this trying time.  And Josh, may you rest in peace.

One Dozen

Yesterday our family celebrated its 12 birthday!  Daniel and I have been married for 12 years!  We have made our anniversary a family event and we had a fun celebration with the kids last night.  Since we were celebrating number 12, I made a Dozen Dinner.  We had one dozen types of food and one dozen of each food.  Our menu included one dozen carrots, olives, apple slices, orange slices, rolls, turkey slices, pickles, deviled eggs, jello cups and cheese sticks.  We had a dozen brownie bites and ice cream rolls for dessert.  We lit one dozen candles and ate by candle light.  It was a fun little celebration!  I really love my family!

I was trying to think of a catchy title for this blog that used the word 'dozen', but all I could think of was "cheaper by the dozen" and that is not quite what I wanted to say about my marriage! 

It kind of seems unreal that I have been married for 12 years.  I feel so blessed to be married to Daniel.  We are a great team together and I know that we will continue to work well together.  I was thinking back to our wedding day and I cannot believe how naive we were about marriage and life.  We have had some good life lessons and we are a stronger couple because of them.  I'll write more about the life lessons during some of my personal history posts.

After dinner I checked my email.  My sister-in-law sent notice that my brother (Randy) had been in a rappelling accident in Moab.  He was life-flighted to the U of U hospital last night. He has two breaks in his back, a broken tailbone, he broke both legs and both feet.  He seems to be out of risk of nerve damage, but he has a long, painful road to recovery.

I hate how helpless I feel right now about this.  I know that his family is struggling with emotions and trying to spend time with him.  I don't want to bother them but I struggle with knowing how to be involved if they need me.  Facebook and emails are good.  I won't call them unless there is something specific and urgent that they need from me.  I don't want to act like I don't care, but right now I don't know that there is much that I can do.  I really hope that Randy has a smooth recovery.

This is scary.  My post last week about close calls is hitting home again.  (Jane fell down the stairs last week and seemed more scared than hurt.  It was scary and I only had myself to blame as I didn't latch the stair gate but thought that I had.  Crisis averted, but seriously that was a close call) 

Randy and Wendy, I love you.

Close Calls

This week I have had two experiences that could have had traumatic results, but didn't.  I still get a little shaken up when I think about them, but I am relieved that the outcomes of them were as benign as they were.

The first experience happened to me while I was driving to the gym.  It was around 8:30 at night and I was traveling east on 11400th south approaching the intersection at 2700 west.  The light turned green while I was about 30 or 40 yards away and the car waiting at the intersection turned left.  I was going to go straight across the intersection and there was a car behind me.  As I was approaching, I saw a truck traveling north on 27th west.  It was going really fast and I realized as I was entering the intersection that it wasn't stopping at the red light.  The truck not only ran the red light, but it turned at the intersection right in front of me.  I slammed on my breaks (and laid on my horn) while hoping that the vehicle behind me was paying attention.  Thankfully they were and they slowed down and swerved to the right.  My heart was racing and I was terrified because of what just took place.

The thing that made me really mad was seeing the driver of the truck.  I expected to see a bit of shock or a frightened face as the truck passed by me, but instead I saw three teenage girls laughing. They were laughing.  Ha ha.  Yah, really funny you stupid girls.  I don't think that they understood what could have happened.  I was in jeopardy with the truck and with the car behind me.  Someone could have been seriously hurt or even killed because of their actions and they were LAUGHING.

The second close call we had last week happened with Seth.  We were cleaning up dinner.  I had just finished loading the dishwasher, but hadn't put the detergent in, so the door was still open.  Daniel, Seth and I were teasing each other and having a fun time.  Seth playfully pinched my leg and turned around to run away from me, but he ran straight into the dishwasher door (it was open and the bottom rack was still pulled out).  He fell kind of belly-flop style into the dishwasher.  He started to scream and I started to panic when I saw where he landed.  He was on top of the silverware bin.  I had just placed the paring knife in the bin.  It was pointy side up and Seth was on top of it.  I picked Seth up and laid him on the ground to see how far the knife had gone into his stomach.  The knife only went in about 1/4 inch.  The only reason it didn't go in further was because the handle to the silverware bin was just slightly taller than the paring knife and his body weight fell more to the right where the handle was.  If he had been a few inches to the left, that knife would have gone about 3 inches into his little abdomen.

I was really shaken up by this.  I ran through what I would have done and what could have happened all night long.  I am grateful that he wasn't hurt badly and that we didn't have to spend time in the emergency room.

I have thought about these experiences a lot this week.  I have learned that what I have can be changed or taken away in an instant.  We can't always control what happens to us.  We shouldn't take what we have for granted.  I am very grateful for what I have.  I am grateful that the close calls we had were just close calls and not traumatic accidents.  But we were so close.  So very close... and I wasn't laughing.

Blinking and Thinking

Where did December go?  I feel as though I just blinked and it was over.  I guess that is a good thing to be saying seeing as how my kids have been home from school since December 3rd.  It has been an interesting month.  I had a great time playing with the kids and doing the 24 days countdown. 

I  kind of poisoned Daniel on Christmas eve.  He is allergic to coconut and I bought a different brand of tortilla chips without looking at the label.  Well, we ate a lot of chips and salsa, and he was so sick the next day.  We figured out that the chips were cooked in coconut oil and tossed the chips, but Christmas morning was tough on Daniel.  He went to take a shower and never made it past the bed.  He laid down and went to sleep.  The anti-histamine he took really made him tired.  We didn't take a family Christmas picture until today.  I called everyone up and took the picture and then I took the tree down.  Here was our best shot.

Or maybe this one is our best shot!

I have been rather emotional the past few weeks.  I noticed that I was a bit moody when I found a mouse in the house.  It was in the kitchen pantry.  EEEEEEEKKKKK!  I screamed!  I screamed like a girl (Paul said that it was okay to scream like a girl because I am a girl!) I seriously was freaked out by finding that stupid mouse.  I set up a trap and caught it.  Then I freaked out when I saw the trap with the mouse on it.  I felt so guilty for being responsible for killing that little creature.  Daniel was good enough to take over from there and dispose of the mouse and trap.  I was so upset and frustrated.  I decided to go check my emails and favorite blogs to help me relax.  In hindsight, it wasn't the best thing to do, but I would have found out what I did eventually. 

My friend had her baby on the Saturday before Christmas.  Baby Max was due on Christmas, but he had some complications and last I heard he was in the NICU.  The first email I read was talking about a memorial service for Baby Max.  I seriously couldn't read anymore because my eyes were filled with tears.  I went into my bedroom and cried.  I was really worried about Jill and her sweet family.  I put myself in her shoes and I was devastated.  Jane woke up from her nap and I held her and cried.  I felt so lucky to have my baby here with me.  Jill experienced what was one of my greatest fears that I was never willing to say out loud nor did I ever want to discuss as a possibility. 

I am really surprised at my reaction.  Jill is my neighbor, I like her and I have great respect for her, but honestly, I don't know her very well.  I have known people who have had a child die and it has never hit me as hard as it did that day.  I never felt the emptiness and the deep sorrow that I experienced.  I don't know if I reacted this way because I just had a baby, or if I was working through issues with my miscarriages or what, but I was in mourning.

I felt guilty for being so emotional about this because I felt as though I was somehow being selfish by my reactions.  This didn't happen to me, so how dare I claim any grief or pain from it.  This whole experience was really confusing to me.

Daniel was really supportive for me. He took over dinner and I went to the gym and had a good run.  When I got home, I locked myself into my craft room and I worked on a few projects to keep my mind occupied. I thought and I cried while I sewed. 

I realized that life is precious.  I realized that love is beautiful, life is beautiful, and yes, even death is beautiful. There is so much that I don't understand about life and death, but I was grateful for the opportunity to reflect on life and to reflect on death and to try to understand more about it. 

I decided that love is what make life wonderful.
 

Broken

I think that I am broken.

I have a short fuse.

Enjoy It

Today Jane and I went to Costco together.  I put her in the sling and carry her so that I have room for all of the groceries in the cart.  She was being really talkative and cute when an older lady (who had an Irish accent- I LOVE her accent!) came up to me and talked for a bit.  As she was leaving, she looked at me and said, "Enjoy it!".  I am really trying hard to take her advice to enjoy having a little one.  It can get overwhelming and I feel like I don't get much accomplished most days.  I have to remember that spending time with Jane, even if it is just holding her to keep her happy, IS doing something!  It is rather difficult to multitask with a baby.

Jane turned 3 months old yesterday!  Time has gone so quickly.  I can't believe it!

We have had a lot going on lately, so I just want to post some pictures of what I have enjoyed lately.

Seth playing with one of Jane's blankets

Seth with Shadow, his penguin he picked out right before Jane was born

I love Jane's square face!

Jane and Mark hanging out.

Flowers from Daniel (I love it when he goes shopping!)

This is where Jane sits while I make dinner.  She makes for great company in the kitchen (most of the time!)

More silly time with Seth

First day of school.  Paul 4th grade Mark 5th grade Seth Kindergarten

Seth's first day of Kindergarten

Look Mom!  I'm Abraham Lincoln!

Seth reading a book to Jane

Happy 9th birthday Paul!

Seth and Aunt Wendy (Bad picture of Seth, but the other picture was bad of Wendy,so I decided to post the good one of you Wendy!)

Klayre (my niece) and Baby Jane

Jane

Playing in the rain

Wow!  I have a lot to enjoy!  Keep smiling!

In-Between

Right now I feel like I am in the 'in-between' stage of so many things.  I am just recovering from having a baby, but I'm not back to 'normal' yet. I feel really good, but I can't do a lot of things that I'd like to until I have healed more, so I am in-between.  I can't fit into any of my old pants, but the maternity pants are too big- I'm in-between sizes.  My pregnancy bras are too big, but the others are too small (I am so glad to have my smaller boobs back!) 

Jane is almost 9 pounds and she has grown almost an inch since she was born.  That puts her in-between newborn size and 0-3 month size clothes and diapers. We are in-between the stage of her trying to figure out day and night (she is doing well, but staying awake for 2 hours in the middle of the night is tiring!)  We still can't figure out what color her eyes are going to be.  Some days they look brown and others they look blue.  Seth still thinks that she should have green eyes like me! 

Mark, Paul and Seth are in-between school years.  Tomorrow is their last day of school.  They have 6 weeks off and then they start their new year.  Seth is excited to start school.  He is really in-between that older toddler stage and a little boy stage.  I know that he is nearly 6, but I still view him as an older toddler.  Maybe I shouldn't, but I do.  He will be doing a lot of growing up in the next few months.

All of the TV shows that I have been watching (on Hulu.com) are in-between seasons.  

Even the weather is in an in-between stage.  One day it is hot, the next it is cold and rainy, then it is hot again.  It is like the weather is trying to adjust to the idea of becoming summer.  I'm okay with the cooler weather, but the boys really want to put the swimming pool up, and it needs to be warmer for that to happen. 

With all of the changes and transitions going on right now, I feel kind of lost and anxious to meet milestones I have set.  I read a quote from Fred Rogers' book titled Life's Journeys according to Mr. Rogers that helped me a lot.

I saw a friend who's a freelance writer and asked him what he was working on.  "Nothing right now," he answered.  "You know how it is for freelancers.  But at times like this I tell myself I'm "between opportunities".  That way I don't have to feel I'm nowhere".

There is often a tendency for us to hurry through transitions.  We may feel that these transitions are "nowhere at all" compared to what's gone before or what we anticipate is next to come.  But you are somewhere. . . you're "between".

 I realized that where I am isn't a black hole, it is a destination and a journey all of its own.  I don't know that I can enjoy not fitting into my old pants, but I certainly can enjoy spending time with my newborn, even if it is at 3 in the morning.  I can enjoy summer break with the boys.

I have to keep reminding myself to relax and be patient.  I love watching Jane sleep.  Just look at this little girl.  She is so relaxed.  (Check out those delicious cheeks!)

Being between stages of life isn't all that bad.

Timing

Tuesday night Daniel went grocery shopping for me.  I was sick and didn't get a chance to go to the store, but we needed a few things for that nights dinner.  I was in the kitchen when he came back and he handed me a big bouquet of flowers.  It was a beautiful arrangement of daisies (my favorite) and a few other flowers.  My heart melted, my eyes got a little watery and I gave him a big hug.  Next to the big hug, his favorite part of giving me the flowers was the huge smile that was on my face. 

I was talking to him about the flowers today and I told him that if he had brought me the flowers two weeks ago for Valentine's day, I would have loved them but I wouldn't have felt as excited (or surprised) by them.  I would have felt like he bought me flowers because society dictated that he should give them to me that day.  But getting them "just because" makes me feel really appreciated. 

Timing is everything. 

February 14, 2010

I think that the only thing that will get me through today if the fact that I am pregnant.  February 14, 2010 was the due date of my last pregnancy.  I didn’t talk much about the miscarriage at the time because it was just too painful.

March of 2009, I suspected I was pregnant, confirmed that I was pregnant and miscarried all within 48 hours.  I was only about 5 weeks along and I was terribly depressed.  Then in May I was pregnant again!  Daniel and I were really excited, but wanted to wait a bit to share the news.  In June, when I was about 7 weeks along, I started spotting and I called my doctor.  Daniel wasn’t home, so I called my sister, Kim, to see if she could take me to the doctor (we only have one car).


The phone call to Kim was difficult for me.  I thought that I was okay, but as soon as she answered, I started bawling and could barely make a coherent word come out of my mouth.  I calmed down enough to tell her what was going on.  After I hung up the phone, I sat on the couch and cried and cried.  I knew that this pregnancy wasn’t valid anymore.  I just knew it.

I felt so confused.  We had been trying to get pregnant for nearly 3 years with nothing.  Then to get pregnant twice and miscarry both of them was difficult to absorb.

Daniel was able to get home in time to come with me to the doctors.  At first I didn’t care if he came or not, but I was really glad that he was there with me.  My doctor was 95% certain that I was in the process of a miscarriage.  He said that nothing I did or didn’t do would affect the outcome of this pregnancy, so I tried to stay as busy as I could.  The next day I hosted a family dinner at my house.  I cleaned, I went shopping, I ate and I tried to sleep.

I started bleeding quite heavily and cramping the next day, which confirmed the loss of the baby.  I was really angry.  Every time I went to the bathroom I was reminded of my loss.  I wanted to be buying diapers, not maxi pads.   I wanted to be making fun plans for a February baby, not dreading the next Valentine’s day.  I wanted to be pregnant, not mourning the loss of another pregnancy.

This miscarriage was a lot more difficult for me to deal with than the first one.  Mainly, I think, because with the first, there was such a short amount of time between finding out I was pregnant and the miscarriage.  I never even figured out the due date.  With this second one, Daniel and I had known we were pregnant for 3 weeks.  We had a due date and had made plans for the nursery.  

I went into Daniel’s office and I could tell that he had been crying.  It was then that I realized that this was a loss for him too.  I had been so absorbed in myself that I didn’t think about how this was for him.  He not only lost a child, he had to watch his wife suffer physically and emotionally to recover from it.  He had been acting really strong around me because I needed his strength, but inside he was just as devastated as I was. 
I sat on Daniel’s lap and we both had a good cry as we held each other.  I think that I will always remember that moment because it really pulled us together as a couple.

I found a lot of difficulties with knowing how to mourn for a baby who most likely never had a heart beat, whose gender wasn’t known to me, who didn’t have a name, a face or a body.  I struggled with doctrinal issues within the church about life and death.  I struggled to love my body because I felt so betrayed by my body for not keeping the baby.  I struggled with depression.

I found a lot of spiritual comfort over the next few weeks.  I didn’t find all of the answers I hoped for, but I found comfort.

Like I said at the beginning, being pregnant right now somehow makes today seem a lot easier to handle.  I am far more grateful for this pregnancy than I would have been otherwise.

To my little cupid angel: Happy birthday!  Love Mom.

Our First Valentine’s Day

Daniel and I met in July and we got married six months to the day of our first date on January 22, 1999.  Therefore, we weren’t together for a Valentine’s day until we were married.  In fact, I had never been together with someone during the month of February, so I was really excited to have my first romantic Valentine’s day.

Since I hadn’t voiced my expectations, I was really, really disappointed in our first V-day.
Like this year, V-day was on a Sunday.  I had put together a candy gram as my gift to Daniel (a bunch of different candy bars on a poster board that I made up silly statements to match the names of the candy bars).  It wasn’t a huge gift, but that is what made it perfect, I thought.  Five dollars in candy and an hour of my time.


Sunday morning came and we were getting ready for church.  We had been asked to speak in church, so we had a few extra things to do get ready.  While Daniel was taking a shower, I put the candy gram on the bed.  He saw it, thanked me, and then told me that he had forgotten that it was V-day.


Oh, okay.


We went to church and the ladies there were showing off necklaces, rings and other pieces of jewelry from their husbands or talking about the cruise they were going on the next day (we were living in a basement apartment of a very wealthy neighborhood).  I was really upset.  I didn’t want jewelry, but I thought that a card would have been nice. 

After church, I took a nap.  I was trying to come to terms with the shattered idea I had for my first ever romantic Valentine’s day.  As I rested I realized that all was not lost, we could still make dinner together and then make a dessert, maybe make love in front of the fireplace and have a special, romantic evening together.
  
When I woke up from my nap, I was excited to present my plan to Daniel.  But things didn’t turn out the way I had planned.  Daniel was already making dinner (it was probably 5 p.m.).  He told me that his parents had called while I was asleep and that they were in town (they live in Vernal which is about 3 hours away) so he invited them over for dinner.  They would be over in about 30 minutes.
 
Seriously?


I was so hurt, but I did what any self-respecting, mature, new bride would do; I told him that I hoped that he and his parents had a lovely Valentine’s dinner together and that I would be home by 10.  I grabbed my keys and I was out of the door before he could even respond.
 
Classy, huh?

I drove around the area while wiping tears from my face.  What had I just done?  Why didn’t Daniel realize how important this day was to me?  To us?  I wound up at my Aunt Elaine’s house (I was living there when I met Daniel) and gave her my sob story.  I ate dinner there, visited with my cousin, Russell, and then I went home at 10, crawled into bed and went to sleep with nary a word to my husband. 
I am so embarrassed about the way that I handled things.

I really needed to communicate better with Daniel.  I put him in a very awkward situation.  I have no idea what his parent’s thought of me after arriving at our home for dinner and me not being there.  We had only been married for  3 weeks and I was unwilling to spend an evening with my in-laws.  I treated Daniel horribly wrong.  I used such poor and selfish judgment that day.


Daniel came home from work the next day with flowers and a gift for me.  He said that he was sorry.  To me, Valentine’s day was ruined but I really tried hard to accept his apology.
 
It took me a long time to get over the disappointment that I had experienced.  I think that I will forever feel disappointed in my reaction that day, though. 

Our second Valentine’s day together was much better.  We talked about our expectations and we planned our date together.  I was 5 months pregnant with Mark at that time, so we planned to go swimming (because it felt good, but also because we figured that the swimming pool wouldn’t be crowded like all of the other places around town would be).  We came home from swimming and ordered a pizza.  We showered and dressed while the pizza was being delivered, and then we ate a lovely pizza dinner by candlelight.  It was a perfect, romantic evening!

Swimming and pizza has become a tradition for our V-day celebration.  Of course, it isn’t as romantic any more as we usually include the kids in our date (getting a baby sitter isn’t the easiest on that day).

I have learned that communication of expectations is a huge part of a healthy relationship.  I am okay with our celebrations being low-key, because we have talked about what we want.  I really like our celebrations being low-key. 

I am so grateful to Daniel for being patient with me and for being a great husband.  Sure, we had things to iron out at first (and still do occasionally), but I am very happy with my husband and my marriage.  I honestly wasn’t able to say that 11 V-day’s ago!    

However, I think that Valentine’s day still makes Daniel nervous.

Mom and Dad to the Rescue

I went over to my parent’s house last night for dinner.   Mom said that she had a file on her email account with some of the Taylor Times emails.  I looked at it and found only two months worth that I didn’t have.  I silently sulked for a few minutes and then had to accept reality. 

My parents invited the boys to spend the night at their house so that they could spend their ‘off-track time’ together.  The boys were really excited to sleep over.  I hope that things went well. 

Daniel and I thought that we would spend the alone time to celebrate our wedding anniversary that is coming up next week.   It hasn’t quite worked out that way, but the quiet evening was nice.  A quite morning will be nice, too! 

The reason things didn’t work out the way we had planned is because Daniel left his wallet in the van on the middle console while we were in my parent’s house.  When we got out to the van, his wallet was gone.  We searched the van with flashlights, searched the boy’s bags and double checked at home to no avail.  Daniel was really upset, but soon calmed down and we started making phone calls to cancel his credit card, bank card, etc.  He will need to get a new drivers license and all of that fun stuff. 

I went to bed around 11 p.m., but I woke up at 3 a.m.  By 4 I knew that I wasn’t going back to sleep, so I got up.  While I was trying to sleep, I was thinking about the emails that I was able to retrieve from my parent’s yahoo account.  I realized that my parents had saved all of the entries that I only had a paper copy of.  I got onto their account and forwarded all of those emails to myself.  Hurray!  I have a digital copy!  I will still need to retrieve and organize them all, but HURRAY! 

I recalled my dad saying that they had several thousand emails in their ‘inbox’.  I wondered if they had any of the missing emails in their and after sorting through their email account for an hour, I have all of my journal entries!  I feel so blessed to be able to have these precious memories back!  I have the thoughts and events that took place while Seth was a baby and our adventures in Georgia back! 

Thank you, Mom and Dad!  Thank you!

Journals

I have been looking into different companies to print my blog into a book.  I am frustrated with what I have found so far as I want more control over the layout of the pages.  This project started me thinking about the pages that I have written before I started blogging.  I thought that I should print them, too. 

Starting October 2001, I sent out nearly weekly email’s of what had been going on that week to Daniel’s parents to keep them updated on how the boys were growing (Mark was 22 months and Paul was 6 months old).  I used those emails titled “Taylor Times” as my source of journaling. 

I use to write in my journal every night while in high school and college.  But, after a particularly difficult breakup with a boyfriend, I stopped writing for a while.  My journal picks up with having met Daniel and the entries were spotty at best until the last entry titled “I’m getting married tomorrow!” 

Writing in my journal at night didn’t fit into our routine as a married couple, so I let it slide.  After Paul was born, I realized that I needed to journal again, but my wrists hurt so badly when I wrote that I didn’t write.  Typing was easier, so I started the emails.  I figured that if someone was expecting an entry, it would be more likely to happen. 

So, back to this weekend.  I was taking all of the email entries that I had saved on a document and put them all together onto one document.  I am frustrated because I can’t find my back up cd of 2001-2006.   Before we moved to Georgia, I made a paper copy of all of the entries as well as a cd.  I didn’t print out any of the entries from 2005- 06, my computer crashed and I hadn’t made a back up. 

I am going to my parent’s house to see what they have saved on their email account.  Hopefully I can recover some of the entries. 

I have been looking through the print outs, trying to decide what to do with them.  I have several options.  I can put them in page protectors, scan them, or retype them.  I’m not happy with any of the options, but I am very grateful that I have a paper back up of these entries. 

Paul has had fun reading about when he was a baby.  I have had fun reading about life with two young boys and I’ve shed a few tears reading about my journey with postpartum depression.

I mentioned that I didn’t journal much when I was engaged.  My friend Larissa, gave me an awesome gift on my 30th birthday.  She took all of the audio tapes that I sent to her while she was serving a mission in Bulgaria and transcribed them so that I had a book of the thoughts that I related to her.   I met and married Daniel while she was on her mission.  I wrote to her a lot and sent her 5 or 6 tapes.  When I had mentioned to her years ago that I wish that I had written in my journal more during that period of time, she graciously (and secretively)   put together the book with all of my thoughts  and opinions of Daniel and marriage that I sent to her on tape and letters.  I had no idea that  I said so much to her!  It was such an awesome gift to receive!

I’m glad that I have been able to keep up with journaling.  It really is therapeutic.  Blogging has been fun because I have had more interaction with my writings.   

Here’s to another decade of digital journaling!  (Please make sure to back up your journals!)

The Makeup Bag

Take a look at my makeup bag. I think that it is really ugly. I have looked for replacement bags, but I just can't get rid of it. There is one big reason I can't get rid of it, and I'd like to share that reason with you.

When I was about 14 years old, my mom asked me to go shopping with her to pick up a few more things before Christmas. It was close to Christmas eve, maybe the day before. Anyhow, my sister, Kim, and I were not getting along. I think that she was home from college, so we had to share our room. I'm sure that I was being good at being a 14 year old brat. In fact I know that I was a good brat, because of what happened while I was shopping with my mom.

Mom and I went to the makeup department of a store and she found the isle with all of the the different makeup bags. She said that she wanted me to help her pick out a new bag for Kim. (cue the evil laugh sound track) I found the ugliest bag that was there and said that Kim would love this one. Mom questioned me, but we bought it. I thought that I was pretty clever. But the joke was on me.

See, Mom wasn't buying a makeup bag for Kim, she was buying one for me. She was trying to figure out what kind I wanted and used Kim as the decoy. She did a great job of making me believe that it was for Kim.

Can you imagine my surprise on Christmas morning when I discovered the bag in my stuff? I was humiliated, but couldn't let on to it. I was excited that Mom was letting me wear makeup.

Almost every time I see my makeup bag, I smile. It is one of those smiles that is accompanied with a shake of my head and a little laugh. I smile at the memory. I shake my head at my younger self, relieved that I don't act like a 14 year old brat anymore. I laugh at the situation.

So, apologies to Kim are in order. I'm sorry that I was being rude. I'm glad that you weren't stuck with an ugly little makeup bag. I wish that we had been better friends growing up, but I am glad that we are good friends now. Thank you for being a good big sister to me. I love you!

I guess that I could extrapolate a life lesson out of this situation. Always pick out something that you would want to receive? Never believe your mom when she has you pick out a gift for someone else? No, the life lesson is simple. It is: Always be kind to others, even when you don't want to be.

I still think that my makeup bag is ugly, but do you understand why I can't get rid of it?

I love my ugly makeup bag, I really do.