February 14, 2010

I think that the only thing that will get me through today if the fact that I am pregnant.  February 14, 2010 was the due date of my last pregnancy.  I didn’t talk much about the miscarriage at the time because it was just too painful.

March of 2009, I suspected I was pregnant, confirmed that I was pregnant and miscarried all within 48 hours.  I was only about 5 weeks along and I was terribly depressed.  Then in May I was pregnant again!  Daniel and I were really excited, but wanted to wait a bit to share the news.  In June, when I was about 7 weeks along, I started spotting and I called my doctor.  Daniel wasn’t home, so I called my sister, Kim, to see if she could take me to the doctor (we only have one car).


The phone call to Kim was difficult for me.  I thought that I was okay, but as soon as she answered, I started bawling and could barely make a coherent word come out of my mouth.  I calmed down enough to tell her what was going on.  After I hung up the phone, I sat on the couch and cried and cried.  I knew that this pregnancy wasn’t valid anymore.  I just knew it.

I felt so confused.  We had been trying to get pregnant for nearly 3 years with nothing.  Then to get pregnant twice and miscarry both of them was difficult to absorb.

Daniel was able to get home in time to come with me to the doctors.  At first I didn’t care if he came or not, but I was really glad that he was there with me.  My doctor was 95% certain that I was in the process of a miscarriage.  He said that nothing I did or didn’t do would affect the outcome of this pregnancy, so I tried to stay as busy as I could.  The next day I hosted a family dinner at my house.  I cleaned, I went shopping, I ate and I tried to sleep.

I started bleeding quite heavily and cramping the next day, which confirmed the loss of the baby.  I was really angry.  Every time I went to the bathroom I was reminded of my loss.  I wanted to be buying diapers, not maxi pads.   I wanted to be making fun plans for a February baby, not dreading the next Valentine’s day.  I wanted to be pregnant, not mourning the loss of another pregnancy.

This miscarriage was a lot more difficult for me to deal with than the first one.  Mainly, I think, because with the first, there was such a short amount of time between finding out I was pregnant and the miscarriage.  I never even figured out the due date.  With this second one, Daniel and I had known we were pregnant for 3 weeks.  We had a due date and had made plans for the nursery.  

I went into Daniel’s office and I could tell that he had been crying.  It was then that I realized that this was a loss for him too.  I had been so absorbed in myself that I didn’t think about how this was for him.  He not only lost a child, he had to watch his wife suffer physically and emotionally to recover from it.  He had been acting really strong around me because I needed his strength, but inside he was just as devastated as I was. 
I sat on Daniel’s lap and we both had a good cry as we held each other.  I think that I will always remember that moment because it really pulled us together as a couple.

I found a lot of difficulties with knowing how to mourn for a baby who most likely never had a heart beat, whose gender wasn’t known to me, who didn’t have a name, a face or a body.  I struggled with doctrinal issues within the church about life and death.  I struggled to love my body because I felt so betrayed by my body for not keeping the baby.  I struggled with depression.

I found a lot of spiritual comfort over the next few weeks.  I didn’t find all of the answers I hoped for, but I found comfort.

Like I said at the beginning, being pregnant right now somehow makes today seem a lot easier to handle.  I am far more grateful for this pregnancy than I would have been otherwise.

To my little cupid angel: Happy birthday!  Love Mom.