Timing

Tuesday night Daniel went grocery shopping for me.  I was sick and didn't get a chance to go to the store, but we needed a few things for that nights dinner.  I was in the kitchen when he came back and he handed me a big bouquet of flowers.  It was a beautiful arrangement of daisies (my favorite) and a few other flowers.  My heart melted, my eyes got a little watery and I gave him a big hug.  Next to the big hug, his favorite part of giving me the flowers was the huge smile that was on my face. 

I was talking to him about the flowers today and I told him that if he had brought me the flowers two weeks ago for Valentine's day, I would have loved them but I wouldn't have felt as excited (or surprised) by them.  I would have felt like he bought me flowers because society dictated that he should give them to me that day.  But getting them "just because" makes me feel really appreciated. 

Timing is everything. 

Silver Linings

I woke up Sunday with a terrible sinus mess.  It isn't much better today and I just feel miserable.  I really want to dope up on my beloved NyQuil and go to sleep, but I can't.  This situation, however, has many silver linings:

• I still have meds that I can take while I am pregnant
• I just woke up from a nap and Daniel is taking care of Seth
• I haven't had heartburn for two full days (must be the phlegm lining that is saving me!)

I had to fire our piano teacher.  The method he taught (his own) just wasn't working with my boys.  They weren't learning appropriate technique and the teacher was really busy, so teaching wasn't his priority.  It was so hard for me to make the phone call to tell him that we wouldn't be using his services anymore. 

The boys started with their new piano teacher yesterday.  She is having to start them from the very beginning because they are pretty messed up with lack of technique and understanding of how things work.  I am now paying $5 more a lesson and I have to drive them there.  The silver lining?

• The boys have a good teacher who is willing to work with them to understand the piano.
• The boys seem excited about their new teacher.

I feel so ugly right now.  I never feel 'pretty' with a sinus mess, but add a bulging belly to the equation and I just feel ugly.  My boobs feel look like Grandma Kresser boobs as they hang down to my belly when I'm not wearing a bra (TMI?  sorry).  My belly has finally poked out further than my boobs, though.  The maternity clothes that I wore 10 years ago are hideous. 

• I'm glad that I've had a few people loan me clothes because I'd be going crazy right now in peg-legged panel jeans and tent-shirts. (thanks Denise and Jill!)
• Just being around Daniel I forget that I feel ugly.  He always makes me feel beautiful.
• I love Daniel!

 

Confessionals

Several blogs that I read do a Friday Confessional post.  I thought that I’d give it a try.  So here we go:

• Sometimes I let Seth play the computer  3-4 hours a day
• because I am too tired to play with him and I need my naptime
• that makes me a bad mom, but he thinks that I am a cool mom
• I’m tired of being pregnant- but I’d much rather put up with the exhaustion, heart burn, discomfort and kicks to the ribs than be sitting in NICU wondering if the little one will ever come home. 
• I cut the boys hair last night.  I cut it shorter than they asked, so that they could go longer between hair cuts.
• I hate cutting their hair. 
• But I hate paying $10 a head even more
• I am really dreading child birth and the aftermath
• It’s just the unknown factor of childbirth that scares me- all three of my deliveries have been very different.
• I wish that the baby could ‘spawn out of my belly’ like Seth thinks it will.
• I wish that Mark and Paul would take more responsibility for themselves. 
• I mean, is it really a  surprise that you need to clear your plate off of the table after dinner, or brush your teeth before bed?  We do it EVERY night, so why do I have to remind them to do it?
• Everything I eat lately gives me heart burn. 
• I like Rolaids better than Tums
• I hope that our baby has lots of hair.
• I am almost jealous of how much Daniel loves our baby already.  Seriously! 
• Daniel spoils me- and I enjoy letting him spoil me.
• I sarcastically made a loaf of bread for a friend a few weeks ago.  I also made one for my family and now all they want is the homemade bread (well bread maker bread!)  It isn’t that hard, but just something else to do…
• The smell of baking bread is torture for me- I can’t eat it because of the wheat, but it sure does smell good!
• Hah!  fancy that, I said that something smells good while I am pregnant!
• My sister-in-law gave me a bunch of clothes for my boys.  The fabric softener smell was so strong (even after 6 months of airing out in the garage) that I had to wash them with 2 cups of baking soda and use vinegar in the rinse cycle FOUR times to get the scent to a tolerable level.
• A few more weeks in the garage and another wash or two just might do the trick!
• I feel like I am neglecting my boys to get things done for the baby. 
• That is normal, right?
• The baby’s room looks like Kid to Kid right now with piles of clothes that have been sorted into sizes.  I have had two big boxes/bags of girl clothes given to me this week.
• I love hand-me-downs!
• I am having a tough time getting use to seeing the color pink in our house. 
• I gave a neighbor all of the boy clothes we had (she is due the same day I am) and I have little tinges of regret because of the emotional connection.  But I’d rather the clothes be used than sit in storage. 
• I really hope that the ultrasound technician was right.  We had better be having a girl!
• If I were an ultrasound tech and the patient was really bugging me, I might be tempted to tell them the wrong gender. 
• I don’t think that I was bugging the tech. 

Thanks for the encouragement to do a confessional, Marianne! I think that my post would be more appropriately titled “Friday Whine Fest Mingled with Random Confessions”, but this was kind of fun!  Now I need to go get Seth off of the computer and feed him some lunch.  Maybe we’ll watch a movie after lunch…

February 14, 2010

I think that the only thing that will get me through today if the fact that I am pregnant.  February 14, 2010 was the due date of my last pregnancy.  I didn’t talk much about the miscarriage at the time because it was just too painful.

March of 2009, I suspected I was pregnant, confirmed that I was pregnant and miscarried all within 48 hours.  I was only about 5 weeks along and I was terribly depressed.  Then in May I was pregnant again!  Daniel and I were really excited, but wanted to wait a bit to share the news.  In June, when I was about 7 weeks along, I started spotting and I called my doctor.  Daniel wasn’t home, so I called my sister, Kim, to see if she could take me to the doctor (we only have one car).


The phone call to Kim was difficult for me.  I thought that I was okay, but as soon as she answered, I started bawling and could barely make a coherent word come out of my mouth.  I calmed down enough to tell her what was going on.  After I hung up the phone, I sat on the couch and cried and cried.  I knew that this pregnancy wasn’t valid anymore.  I just knew it.

I felt so confused.  We had been trying to get pregnant for nearly 3 years with nothing.  Then to get pregnant twice and miscarry both of them was difficult to absorb.

Daniel was able to get home in time to come with me to the doctors.  At first I didn’t care if he came or not, but I was really glad that he was there with me.  My doctor was 95% certain that I was in the process of a miscarriage.  He said that nothing I did or didn’t do would affect the outcome of this pregnancy, so I tried to stay as busy as I could.  The next day I hosted a family dinner at my house.  I cleaned, I went shopping, I ate and I tried to sleep.

I started bleeding quite heavily and cramping the next day, which confirmed the loss of the baby.  I was really angry.  Every time I went to the bathroom I was reminded of my loss.  I wanted to be buying diapers, not maxi pads.   I wanted to be making fun plans for a February baby, not dreading the next Valentine’s day.  I wanted to be pregnant, not mourning the loss of another pregnancy.

This miscarriage was a lot more difficult for me to deal with than the first one.  Mainly, I think, because with the first, there was such a short amount of time between finding out I was pregnant and the miscarriage.  I never even figured out the due date.  With this second one, Daniel and I had known we were pregnant for 3 weeks.  We had a due date and had made plans for the nursery.  

I went into Daniel’s office and I could tell that he had been crying.  It was then that I realized that this was a loss for him too.  I had been so absorbed in myself that I didn’t think about how this was for him.  He not only lost a child, he had to watch his wife suffer physically and emotionally to recover from it.  He had been acting really strong around me because I needed his strength, but inside he was just as devastated as I was. 
I sat on Daniel’s lap and we both had a good cry as we held each other.  I think that I will always remember that moment because it really pulled us together as a couple.

I found a lot of difficulties with knowing how to mourn for a baby who most likely never had a heart beat, whose gender wasn’t known to me, who didn’t have a name, a face or a body.  I struggled with doctrinal issues within the church about life and death.  I struggled to love my body because I felt so betrayed by my body for not keeping the baby.  I struggled with depression.

I found a lot of spiritual comfort over the next few weeks.  I didn’t find all of the answers I hoped for, but I found comfort.

Like I said at the beginning, being pregnant right now somehow makes today seem a lot easier to handle.  I am far more grateful for this pregnancy than I would have been otherwise.

To my little cupid angel: Happy birthday!  Love Mom.

Our First Valentine’s Day

Daniel and I met in July and we got married six months to the day of our first date on January 22, 1999.  Therefore, we weren’t together for a Valentine’s day until we were married.  In fact, I had never been together with someone during the month of February, so I was really excited to have my first romantic Valentine’s day.

Since I hadn’t voiced my expectations, I was really, really disappointed in our first V-day.
Like this year, V-day was on a Sunday.  I had put together a candy gram as my gift to Daniel (a bunch of different candy bars on a poster board that I made up silly statements to match the names of the candy bars).  It wasn’t a huge gift, but that is what made it perfect, I thought.  Five dollars in candy and an hour of my time.


Sunday morning came and we were getting ready for church.  We had been asked to speak in church, so we had a few extra things to do get ready.  While Daniel was taking a shower, I put the candy gram on the bed.  He saw it, thanked me, and then told me that he had forgotten that it was V-day.


Oh, okay.


We went to church and the ladies there were showing off necklaces, rings and other pieces of jewelry from their husbands or talking about the cruise they were going on the next day (we were living in a basement apartment of a very wealthy neighborhood).  I was really upset.  I didn’t want jewelry, but I thought that a card would have been nice. 

After church, I took a nap.  I was trying to come to terms with the shattered idea I had for my first ever romantic Valentine’s day.  As I rested I realized that all was not lost, we could still make dinner together and then make a dessert, maybe make love in front of the fireplace and have a special, romantic evening together.
  
When I woke up from my nap, I was excited to present my plan to Daniel.  But things didn’t turn out the way I had planned.  Daniel was already making dinner (it was probably 5 p.m.).  He told me that his parents had called while I was asleep and that they were in town (they live in Vernal which is about 3 hours away) so he invited them over for dinner.  They would be over in about 30 minutes.
 
Seriously?


I was so hurt, but I did what any self-respecting, mature, new bride would do; I told him that I hoped that he and his parents had a lovely Valentine’s dinner together and that I would be home by 10.  I grabbed my keys and I was out of the door before he could even respond.
 
Classy, huh?

I drove around the area while wiping tears from my face.  What had I just done?  Why didn’t Daniel realize how important this day was to me?  To us?  I wound up at my Aunt Elaine’s house (I was living there when I met Daniel) and gave her my sob story.  I ate dinner there, visited with my cousin, Russell, and then I went home at 10, crawled into bed and went to sleep with nary a word to my husband. 
I am so embarrassed about the way that I handled things.

I really needed to communicate better with Daniel.  I put him in a very awkward situation.  I have no idea what his parent’s thought of me after arriving at our home for dinner and me not being there.  We had only been married for  3 weeks and I was unwilling to spend an evening with my in-laws.  I treated Daniel horribly wrong.  I used such poor and selfish judgment that day.


Daniel came home from work the next day with flowers and a gift for me.  He said that he was sorry.  To me, Valentine’s day was ruined but I really tried hard to accept his apology.
 
It took me a long time to get over the disappointment that I had experienced.  I think that I will forever feel disappointed in my reaction that day, though. 

Our second Valentine’s day together was much better.  We talked about our expectations and we planned our date together.  I was 5 months pregnant with Mark at that time, so we planned to go swimming (because it felt good, but also because we figured that the swimming pool wouldn’t be crowded like all of the other places around town would be).  We came home from swimming and ordered a pizza.  We showered and dressed while the pizza was being delivered, and then we ate a lovely pizza dinner by candlelight.  It was a perfect, romantic evening!

Swimming and pizza has become a tradition for our V-day celebration.  Of course, it isn’t as romantic any more as we usually include the kids in our date (getting a baby sitter isn’t the easiest on that day).

I have learned that communication of expectations is a huge part of a healthy relationship.  I am okay with our celebrations being low-key, because we have talked about what we want.  I really like our celebrations being low-key. 

I am so grateful to Daniel for being patient with me and for being a great husband.  Sure, we had things to iron out at first (and still do occasionally), but I am very happy with my husband and my marriage.  I honestly wasn’t able to say that 11 V-day’s ago!    

However, I think that Valentine’s day still makes Daniel nervous.

Memories

Today Daniel helped me get most of the baby stuff out of the garage.  My main intention was to go through all of the baby boy clothes and organize them  better.  My other goal was to see what baby supplies I had and what I needed to get.

What I didn’t anticipate was spending the afternoon crying.  I would pick up a cute little outfit that the boys wore hold it tight and start crying.  I am blaming it on pregnancy hormones.

It amazes me how quickly I can recall little moments or pictures of the boys wearing certain outfits.  Especially the ones they came home from the hospital in, and ones that they wore on special occasions like birthdays and the day Mark learned to walk.  I loved sitting there and thinking about the times when the boys were small enough to wear these clothes.

I just can’t believe how big my baby boys are now.

Daniel came into the room to see how things were going, and I felt rather silly to be crying.  He wasn’t quite sure what to do for me, but he didn’t tease me.  He brought me a drink of water and let me do my thing. 

I was able to find a few outfits that aren’t gender specific (and I loved saving them for our girl to wear because I remember the boys wearing them).  I  had a box of girl clothes that I have purchased over the years that I went through.  Some of the outfits aren’t the right size for the time of year (a few ‘baby’s first Christmas’ outfits bought at 90% off) but most of them will work!

I found my old Cabbage Patch Doll, Peggy.  I found my Strawberry Shortcake dolls.  I would have looked at them closer, but even after all of these years, they still stink, er I mean smell fruity so I had to put them back.  I kind of had plans to display the dolls on the bookshelf or dresser, but I may have to rethink that!
 
Today was kind of fun.  I love all of the memories that came flooding back to me as I organized all of the clothes and baby supplies.

A Crappy Week

This post is literally about crap.  If you are eating or if this topic grosses you out, I suggest you, um, pass on this post.

Monday is my laundry day.  It was a crappy laundry day this week.  Apparently Seth went stinky in his underwear and just buried the undies in his laundry basket.  When I put his laundry in the washer, I could smell something, but saw a pair of undies with um, skid marks, shall we say, so I figured that it was the cause of the stink.  I was so wrong.  

When I went to put the clothes in the dryer, the whole batch had a terrible smell.  I just turned the washer back on and put it on a double rinse figuring that would solve the problem.  I was soooo wrong. 

After the second wash, the laundry still had a stench to it, so I decided that I had better find the culprit.  I am cringing just thinking about what I found.  Seth must of had a huge load to dump in his underwear.  I found poop smeared on the tub of the washer, clumped on the clothes and smeared on a few pair of pants.  EEEEEWWWWWWW.

I removed what I could and then put the clothes back in to be washed again with a double rinse.   They still stunk, badly.  So I put them in for their 4th wash of the day with a cup of vinegar.  That seemed to solve the problem. 

My sister suggested that I use a little bit of scented fabric softener, but then Seth would just smell like Outdoor Fresh Poop to me. 

I thought that dealing with stinky business was over, but tonight I got surprised with another fun adventure. 

Mark used the bathroom and the toilet clogged.  He flushed it again and tried it again and then called for help.  When I came into the bathroom, there was a small sea of ‘muddy’ water on the floor and in the toilet.  Oh gross! 

I had to get a bunch of old towels and mop up the mess after fixing the toilet.  Then I used clorox wipes to scrub everything on the floor.  Then I mopped the floor. 

I am so glad that I haven’t had to change diapers during this pregnancy.  The only time that I threw up while pregnant with Paul was while changing one of Mark’s stinky diapers.  Thankfully I wasn’t gagging too badly during my episodes this week.

A Fun Day

On Saturday, Daniel’s family got together to celebrate his sister’s wedding.  Julia and John got married last week in Florida (where they live) and they came out here to visit family and go snowboarding.   

We had everyone meet at Deb’s house and we had a spaghetti lunch and then played around and visited.  There was about 9n or 10 different Nerf dart guns and everyone had a great time participating in a huge game of dart tag .  I think that Deb and Chad will be finding those darts all over their house and yard for months to come! 

The Taylor Clan

The Taylor Women

The Taylor Guys

Aunt Deb showing the boys how to use the dart gun

I had a great time seeing and visiting with family.  It turned out to be a great day!  I’m glad that I had such a good time because I completely wore myself ragged Friday and Saturday.  I spent Sunday and Monday recuperating. 

We brought the meatballs, salad, garlic bread and some peanut butter cookies (because I knew I couldn’t eat the cake) for the lunch.   I combined a few different meatball recipes and I really like the results.  They are rather easy to make!    I doubled the meatball recipe to serve about 25 people.   Here are the recipes for the salad and the meatballs:

‘Olive Garden’  inspired Salad  (dairy free version)  

serves about 25

DRESSING

• ½ cup mayonnaise

• 1/3 cup white vinegar

• 1 tsp olive oil

• 2 TBSP corn syrup (or ¼ cup sugar)

• ¼ tsp garlic salt

• ½ tsp Italian Seasoning

• ½ tsp parsley flakes

• 1TBSP lemon juice

Mix all ingredients in a blender until well mixed

Refrigerate (best if made a few hours before needed)

SALAD

Chop up and put in large bowl:

• 1 head romaine lettuce

• 1 head red leaf lettuce

• 1 head iceberg lettuce

add:

• 1 can whole olives, drained

• 2 cups cherry or grape tomatoes

• ½ cup pepperoncini peppers

Pour dressing over salad and toss right before serving.

 

Meatballs                                                     Recipe by Sherron Taylor

• 1 lb. ground beef (I use 85% lean)

• 1 lb ground sausage (I use Jimmy Dean All Natural)

• 2/3 cup instant potato flakes

• 2 TBSP Gluten free soy sauce

• 2 TBSP parsley

• 1 tsp. salt

• 1/4 tsp pepper

• 2 TBSP Italian Seasoning

• ½ cup chopped onion (or 1/2 tsp onion powder)

• 1/4 tsp. garlic powder

• 2 eggs

Combine all ingredients in a large bowl. Grease two large cookie sheets. Form meat into 1 inch balls. (I use a small ice cream scoop) and place on cookie sheets.

Bake at 400 degrees for about 15 minutes or until the meatballs are browned. Cut one open to test if they are done.

Makes about 48 meatballs.

These freeze well. After they have cooled, place them in the freezer on the cookie sheet to freeze individually, and then place them in a freezer bag and store in the freezer. Label and date the bag.

You can also use this recipe to make meatloaf.