The Same, Yet Different

I wanted to be back at my pre-pregnancy weight nine months after Jane was born.  When I realized that that wasn't going to be happening, I gave myself nine more months.  I am so happy to say that I am there!  I am at my pre-pregnancy weight!  Not just pre-Jane, but pre-Mark weight!  Right now I weigh the same as I did thirteen years ago!  The strange thing is that even though the number on the scale is the same, my body sure doesn't look the same!  Things have shifted and scarred and enlarged, but I still love my body. 

I realize that I probably won't ever get rid of the little pouch of skin on my tummy.  The scars from the many (MANY) stretchmarks won't go away, but I love that they are my physical reminders that I had the wonderful opportunity to have life grow inside of me.  I have chosen to let those silvery scars represent love and life, not disgust and discouragement.  I am so grateful to be a mother. 

Throughout my journey of loosing weight, Daniel has always made me feel beautiful- even if I didn't think that I was.  His encouragement helped me to have the patience I needed to make this journey. Thank you Daniel, for always finding me to be beautiful in your eyes. 

My wedding dress is sitting in my cedar chest and I have an itch to try it on.  I'm not so sure if it is a good idea or not.  I'm afraid that I won't be able to zip it up over my hips.  They are definitely wider.  My ribcage is wider, too.  My 13th anniversary coming up next week, so I think that it is why I'm thinking about it.  What do you think?  Should I pull it out and try it, or leave it alone? 

It's Back

The last time I shaved my legs was in February of this year.  It isn't groundbreaking news that I hate shaving my legs, but I normally don't go 5 months without shaving.  The reason I haven't shaved my legs is because my leg hair stopped growing, as well as my underarm hair.  Seriously, it stopped growing in.  I had a couple dozen hairs that were long but not enough to justify shaving.  It was somehow related to the hormones from pregnancy, although I had never experienced it before with my other pregnancies. 

Well, the hair is back.  It wasn't there last week, but it is here now.  I have a small jungle growing on my legs.  I guess that it is time to break out the razor again. 

The hair on my head was thicker while I was pregnant, but now I am shedding hair.   I am seriously shedding like a dog.  When I run my fingers through my hair I collect a few hairs.  It is so gross.   This has happened with all of my pregnancies.  I enjoyed the thicker hair while it lasted.  Isn't there a way to keep the hair on my head and send the leg hair up there as well?  Sigh...

I guess that this marks the final surge of pregnancy hormones.  

Afrin Free! (and still pregnant)

Last week I posted about being addicted to nose spray.  I had purchased a new bottle and put the (nearly empty) old one in the hospital bag.  The new one was a maximum strength and it was too strong for me.  I started needed a 'fix' twice a day instead of just at night.  So, I decided to go off of the Afrin. 

I knew that I needed to be able to breath, so I used the old bottle in only one nostril while I let the other nostril be plugged up and go through it's rebound.  I am proud to say that I haven't used nose spray for 5 days now! 

In other news, I am not sure what to think about this pregnancy anymore.  I have never made it to my due date and now I am one day over the due date with this one.  Daniel's brother has taken our boys already, so the house has been quite (and has stayed clean!) over the weekend.  I have been very tired (sleeping 12+ hours a day) and  EXTREMELY emotional, so it is probably a good thing that they haven't been around to catch my ire.  I have been crying a lot the last few days.  It is crazy. 

I posted a while ago that I could just be pregnant for ever and that I was okay with status quo.  I TAKE IT BACK!  I am ready to begin this new stage of my life.  I have to admit that I am rather jealous that my neighbor who shared the same due date with me had her baby 1 1/2 weeks ago.  I wanted that to be me. 

Last night Daniel and I went out to dinner at Ruby Tuesdays.  I had the BBQ ribs and loved them!  I made ribs earlier this week too!  They are so good!  We had a good laugh when I dropped my forkful of baked potato and it went down my shirt.  Luckily it didn't get stuck in my bra, so I was able to get it out without too much effort. 

I know that the post I wrote titled "Walking Time Bomb" was written when I had very raw emotions.  I am not sorry for writing it as this blog is my journal, but I am sorry if it offended any of you.  I am grateful to be pregnant and I am grateful that people care about me.  I could have expressed my desires and expectations of others long before this time, but I'm still not sure that it would have made much difference.  Now I have people afraid of me and that was not the intention of the post.  What was my intention?  It was two fold. 

First: To say that if you only want to call me to talk about my pregnancy, the baby, or how to contact you when I have the baby, I don't really want to talk.  But if you want to call and talk about other things, please feel free.  However, I have turned the ringer off of my phone, so I am only checking my messages every other day or so. 

Second: I am asking for privacy after the baby is born.  Since I don't know how I will be feeling or how my emotions will be, I need to have people wait until I am ready to come and visit and see Jane.  I might be ready the day I come home from the hospital, but it might not be for a few more days. It all depends on how the delivery goes.  Please be patient with me.  If you are anxious to see Jane, just think about how anxious Daniel and I must be!   

Hopefully we will have a bundle of pink to admire soon!

Walking Time Bomb

I am going crazy right now. 
I am afraid to plan anything because the baby could come any time now.
Or, she could come sometime next week.
My due date is this Saturday. 
I am anxious to have my baby.
Apparently others are anxious too. 
These other anxious people are driving me insane.
I am sick of the phone calls to see if I have had the baby.
I am sick of the phone calls to 'check in on me' or 'to see how I'm doing'.
Those phone calls are thin disguises for the 'have you had the baby yet' calls.
I am sick of people stopping by to see if I have had the baby.
Good grief!  I will let people know when I have the baby. 
I promise. 
I will not be calling people from the hospital.
I do not want visitors at the hospital.
I need time to recuperate from the delivery and to have time alone with my baby.
I will not want visitors the day I come home from the hospital or for the first week.
Entertaining guests while exhausted, sore and engorged causes a lot of anxiety for me.
I will post on my blog about the birth of my baby in a timely manner, but please don't expect it to be posted the day of her birth because it won't happen.

Golly wasn't that a happy little vent?  I just had to get it out.  

Addicted

I realized this week that I have several addictions that I think are pregnancy related.  My addictions are:

• Hot Tamales:  I bought a big bag at Costco and it was gone in two weeks (of course I had assistance in eating them, as it is an addiction that my family shares)  Hopefully the bag I bought last Monday will last until the baby comes. 
• Tater Tots:  mmmmm, I love tater tots!  I even had them for breakfast this week!
• Ice: I have been making snow cones in my blender all weekend (and once again sharing with the family)  I only had grape  and lemonade punch mix, so we will be heading to the store to buy new flavors for this week. (To make snow cone syrup I use 1 cup sugar, 3/4-1 cup water and 1 envelope Kool-Aid)
• Chocolate:  okay this one isn't pregnancy related, but I've been eating a lot of chocolate lately.  I have become kind of a snob about what kind of chocolate I will eat, too.  My choices are rather limited with trying to find dairy-free chocolate.  Some brands I will use if I melt and mix it with something else, but other brands I save to eat just plain (or with a spoonful of peanut butter) because they are smooth and have a better taste to them.  
• Rolaids: I only like the Fresh Mint flavor.  These babies have been hard to get a hold of as many local stores have been sold out.  Pretty sad when I find myself doing a run to see if any of the stores nearby have restocked.
• Afrin:  Yes, nose spray.  When I am pregnant, I have a stuffy nose the entire time.  I have tried using nasal washes and moisture sprays, but when it is the middle of the night and I can't breath, I reach for my Afrin.  The label says to use it no more than 3 days.  But I don't think that they mean it because each little bottle has a good 6-8 weeks worth of goods in it.  I realized that I was addicted when I went to the store to buy a bottle to keep in my hospital bag.  Daniel thinks that this is hilarious.  I am anxious to be done with this problem.  (UPDATE: I completely understand why I shouldn't take nose spray for more than the recommended  3 days.  I have weaned myself from it several times through out the pregnancy and wind up using it again a few weeks later.  I understand that using it more creates more problems and stuffiness, thus perpetuating the need for it.  I only use it one time a day, and that is right before going to bed.  I know what it is like to go off of it and I am just not prepared to do it while in this stage of the pregnancy.  After the baby my blood volume will decrease, thus putting less pressure on my blood vessels and I will be able to go off of the nose spray more easily.)

I need to go eat some Rolaids, chop up some ice and snort my Afrin and then I will be ready for bed!

Little Things That Mean A Lot

I have to admit that I am really nervous to welcome a new baby into our home.  Really nervous.  I am two weeks away from my due date and I am not in a hurry to deliver this baby.  The last few days I have seriously thought that I would consider just staying pregnant forever.  (I know that I can't, I know that I don't really want to, but I am comfortable with status quo right now)

Seth and I spent the morning together.  We went to Lowes to look at window shades.  Then we spent a good amount of time looking through the kitchen models.   Seth loves to explore all of the different cupboards, drawers and under the counter microwaves, refrigerators and the sort.  I had a blast exploring with him.  In each different area he would choose where each family member could store their own snacks. 

After we were done exploring, we went to the car wash.  He sat in the passenger seat and was having a lot of fun.  Man, Seth is just adorable.  I had so much fun with him!  I pulled the huge "sucking snakes" (vacuums at the car wash) and cleaned the inside of the van.  Seth used a rag to wipe down the inside while I vacuumed. 

We then went to Cafe Rio and had lunch.  We shared a steak salad.  I had a few refills on their ice.  I LOVE their ice!  I really enjoyed time I spent with Seth today.  He is such a delightful kid! 

I got a card in the mail today from my mother-in-law.  It was totally out of the blue.  The card said "You know what?   You're doing great!"  She then wrote a short, encouraging note and I totally appreciated it.  It was just one of those little things that mean a lot.  This was just like an unexpected bouquet of flowers.  It totally made my day!  

Mom, thank you so much!  I love you!

Roller Coaster Ramblings

This week my emotions have been on a wicked roller coaster ride.  I have been crying at some of the most insane things (like realizing that the dishes need to be done and I don't want to do them, or picking Seth up from preschool knowing that he only has a few weeks left). 

Yesterday was the first day of May.  My baby is due in 20 days! 

My emotions have been running up and down with my feelings about being pregnant.  I realized that I only have a few weeks left before I am not pregnant anymore.  In a few weeks I won't be able to feel a living creature inside of me.  I won't feel a baby with the hiccups inside of me again.  People won't come up to me and touch my belly anymore.  Being pregnant is such a wonderful, miraculous experience and this journey in my life is coming to an end.  I am excited to start the next phase of this miracle, but hesitant to leave pregnancy behind as this is my last one.   

On the flip side of the wonderful emotions I have been having about pregnancy, I have realized that once the baby is out, my belly won't be cute anymore- I'm going to have to start working out again (the upside is that I will have more energy and dexterity to allow working out!).  In a few weeks my constant heartburn should abate.  My breasts will be even bigger than they are right now (I'm really not thrilled about this). I am going to be responsible for caring for a baby again- it is a lot of work.  Life will be a bit more complicated than it is right now.   I am anxious to have my body back to myself, even though it will be a while after she is born.  I have been extremely sensitive to smells again.  The smell of the soaps in the bathrooms are outrageously strong to me, newspapers and books stink, other peoples perfumes and laundry detergents are driving me crazy (I could smell the fabric softener of a family who stood BEHIND me at the store the other day).  I know that I am sensitive to smells to start out with, but I am anxious to have this super sensitivity due to pregnancy be gone.  Our family of 6 will not easily fit at most tables at a restaurant.  Five people barely fit in most places.  We will have to take two tables at most fast food places.  We don't eat out a lot, but it is something we will deal with when we do.     

I have been adamant that I wasn't going to breastfeed this time around.  But I started producing colostrum a few weeks ago and all of these emotions have made me rethink that decision.  Once I decide that I will breastfeed, I change my mind.  Back and forth.  Back and forth.  Right now I feel that the best decision for me is to do both breast and bottle.  I plan to breastfeed at the hospital and at home, then I will alternate between each feeding once my milk comes in.  I do not handle lack of sleep well at all.  Daniel has agreed to get up for the nighttime bottle feeding.  He knows how important sleep is to my physical and emotional well being.  The Breastfeeding Nazis out there will tell me that I am setting myself up for failure and that I can't supplement, but I only lasted 6 weeks of exclusively breastfeeding Paul and Seth because I couldn't keep up with the lack of sleep. I know that I'll just have to see how it all works out, but this topic has been on my mind constantly for the past few weeks.  I want to do what is best for Jane and for me.  This seems to be the solution that will benefit both of us.   

I was always a proponent of  unmedicated births until I went into labor with Mark.  That epidural seriously saved me.  It was a long labor and I was physically spent after 13 hours of labor.  The epidural really helped me get through the next 6 hours.  I quickly changed my mind that epidural births are the way to go.  But now that I am having my last baby, (and Seth's labor was really fast) I have found myself wondering if I want to have a natural child birth just to experience it.  I have read studies that have shown that women who have a NCB reduce their chances of postpartum depression, something that I am really concerned about.  I keep going back and forth between what I really want.  Once again, this is something that I just need to wait and see how things go.  If I have a short labor like I did with Seth, I truly think that I can do it without the epidural, but if I am up all night with contractions and have a super long delivery, then I think that I will need help.

I am a list maker.  I love to list things that I need to accomplish during the day and then check them off as I do them.  This 'taking things easy' job has made my to-do list rather sad.  I see a ton of things that need to be done, but that I just can't do right now.  I've been working on getting the nursery put together at a snail's pace.  I got really depressed last week when my list had two or three things on it and I only got one of them done.  So, I've started making a realistic list of what my day should look like.  My list has included movies to watch, TV shows to watch (through Hulu.com), time to take a nap, time to read books and the sort.  It has helped me feel as though I am accomplishing something during the day (even if my house is filthy!) 

With just a few weeks left before my baby is due, I feel like a walking time bomb.  I can't commit to anything for the next month.  It is kind of frustrating, but thankfully everyone understands. 

I am so excited to see how this month plays out!

Strategy, Disorientation, Kings and Couches, and Off-Track Fun

Strategy
The boys play an online game called Free Realms.  Each account has several types of 'jobs' that you can do like Ninja, Mail man, Adventurer, Cook, etc.  The highest level you can achieve in each job is a 20.  Seth loves to play his Ninja. An online player can challenge you to a duel.  If Seth was challenged to a duel and he was playing a character that was only a level 2 or 3, he would hurry and switch to his ninja (he is now at a level 20, but he was doing this when he was a level 12) and then accept the duel, leaving a poor kid who had a level 2-4 character to fight a higher level.  Seth would win the duel in less than 2 seconds, accept the prize money and then switch back to his lower level character.

I don't find this to be a very kind tactic, but I am very impressed with his strategy.

Disorientation
When Seth wakes up in the night needing to use the bathroom, it can be interesting.  He will be awake enough to know that he needs to use the bathroom, but not coherent enough to do something about it.  He will usually stand by his bed and cry.  Daniel or I will go into his room, literally guide him into the bathroom, put the toilet seat up, pull his pants down and face him in the right direction.  We then pull his pants up, and guide him back into bed.  He is just completely out of it.  He usually is back asleep before we can leave the room. 

The other night Daniel went downstairs to help him and Seth wasn't next to his bed.  He was in the closet, with his pants pulled down.  I am SO glad that Daniel found him when he did.  That could have been interesting.

Kings and Couches
A little over two years ago we bought a new bed.  We upgraded to a king size mattress and got a Sleep Number bed.  This pregnancy has been really nice with this new bed.  I have been able to adjust the number as I gain weight to be more comfortable.  The king size has been wonderful because I have plenty of room for all of my pillows and still have room for my husband!

However comfortable my bed is, I still have nights where I can't sleep and I wind up sleeping on the couch.

When I was pregnant with Seth I was really miserable on our mattress, so during the last month or so I didn't even sleep in the bed, I set up camp on the living room couch.   I loved sleeping on that couch, but I was really lonely, I missed cuddling and talking with Daniel before falling asleep.  Daniel could tell that it bothered me, so he went and got the air mattress and set it up next to the couch.  He would keep me company and I loved it.  Isn't he such a sweetheart?  He didn't love the air mattress, so he would wind up going back to the bed during the night, but that was okay with me.

Off-Track Fun
Mark and Paul went back to school on Thursday.  This off-track session went by rather quickly despite the snow and rain.

Mark's birthday is the day before my due date, so I decided to have him celebrate his birthday with some friends while he was off-track.  We will have a family party on his birthday.  He was okay with celebrating his birthday two times this year!

He invited two friends over to his party.  The original plan was to go to the Planetarium, but Mark changed  his mind.  Then he planned to go miniature golfing, but his friend broke his arm.  So we stayed home and had lunch and played games.  I took Mark shopping for a new game and he picked Yahtzee.  The boys spent about an hour playing Yahtzee, then they watched Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.  They were getting a long great and having a great time.  They went outside and played games and chased each other around.  The party was supposed to be from noon until about 2, but the friends didn't go home until  around 5:30!

Daniel, Taylor P., Set, Paul, Mitchell F., Mark

Wednesday was a rainy day and I was feeling pretty good, so I took the boys and two of my nieces (Mieren and Alys) to the Clark Planetarium to see the Hubble 3-D movie.  I wasn't terribly excited about seeing the movie, but I am so glad that I went because I really enjoyed it!  The kids really behaved themselves and we had a great time together.  We went to Jason's Deli for lunch and then back to the girl's house to play a bit more. 

Our World Through Paul's Camera

I borrowed Paul's camera to go to the baby shower, so I downloaded all of his pictures on to my computer.  As I was searching for my pictures, I came across some pictures that I wanted to share.

 This next picture is of Seth on King Day at preschool.  He had earned his alphabet crown the previous week (he had to name all of the letters) so we took his crown and painted it.  He put on the stars and sequins and was quite proud of his creation.  He wore a cape and was enjoying being a king at home before he went to school.  I told him that it was time to empty the dishwasher and he was taken back a little bit.  He was surprised to find out that kings had to do chores- at least in this house they have to! Paul caught our king in action! 

I'm not too sure that Daniel will be pleased that I am posting this picture, but I find it to be kind of funny! When I was pregnant with Mark, Daniel stuffed a pillow up his shirt to 'look pregnant', but this time around no stuffing was required.

Baby Shower

Saturday I had a baby shower with a few friends in the neighborhood.  It was a great time to see everyone and visit.  Even though we were celebrating the coming of a child, it was great to have no kids around and be able to visit with friends.  I don't have a lot of pictures (I wasn't aware that some of the pictures were being taken, otherwise I would have posed a bit better!)  But here are a few that I am willing to share (don't worry, Rachel A, I deleted the one of you that was really unflattering- because I like you!)

 The yummy food (with Jill and her family in the background!)

Some of my friends who came

Look at the adorable boot slippers on the arm of the chair!  

I got a lot of cute dresses for Jane.  One of the first gifts I opened was a cute polka dot that I absolutely love.  One of the last gifts I opened was the same polka dot dress in a bigger size!  It will be nice to not have to worry about her outgrowing the dress for a while!

When I got home and started putting the clothes away, I realized that I haven't purchased a dress!  All of the clothes I have bought have been little jumpers or sleepers! It is a good thing that I have girlfriends who can dress my little girl in cute dresses!

Thank you, Jill, for hosting the shower, I had a lot of fun!  

This Week

This past week has been kind of rough for me.  I have been on the verge of tears all week.  I've been super emotional all week and I'm not loving it.  Daniel has been a good support for me.  Mark has noticed that I have been a bit sad because he has been giving me a lot of hugs this week.

I have been working on a few things to keep me busy, so here is a run down of some of the things I did this week.


Black Apple Dolls

I mentioned that I was working on some dolls.  I have finished most of them, so I lined them up for a picture. 

Seth was enjoying playing with the dolls, but Mark and Paul were giving him a hard time for playing with dolls (darn those big brothers), so I made a Black Ninja for Seth and he loves it (and big brothers find this acceptable to play with!) I used black thread on the eyes for the girl dolls but Seth asked if his black ninja could have green eyes like mine! 

 
Seth has taken to several different toys over the years.  The first 'lovey' he had was an orange beanie baby bear given to him by Madeline 'Watford when we lived in Georgia.  He called it "Baby".  Over time new friends have taken Baby's place during the day, but all of his friends have a spot on his bed above his pillow.  Here is a picture of his friends.

Blowing Bubbles
I saw an idea to put an old sock on a water bottle (with the bottom cut off) and dunk the sock in a solution of water and dish soap to make cool bubbles (by blowing into the mouth part of the bottle)  It looked really cool, but I wondered if it would really work for me.  I seem to have problems with things just not working out the way they did in the magazine or on the blog I got the idea from.  This worked like a charm!  The boys had a blast making bubble snakes and bubble balls. 

I got them going with the activity, then I went inside to rest while they played.

Doctors Visit
I had my 34 week doctors appointment this Thursday.  I mentioned to him that I have been having a lot of Braxton Hicks and he asked me if I was having more than 10 a day.  Yes, definitely more than 10, but no consistency.  Most of the time I am able to get them to stop if I stop what I am doing and rest.  But sometimes I wake up with them.  He wasn't terribly concerned, but gave me a stern warning to take things easy.  He said that I'm not on bed rest, but that I am on 'rest whenever you can' because it is really important to go another 4 weeks before delivery. 

It is frustrating to take things easy, but I get so tired and the contractions get rather uncomfortable when I get doing too much, that it makes resting a natural thing to do.  I've had to cancel a few of the activities I had planned for the boys and I to do while they are out of school.  Yesterday I went to a my baby shower (pictures to follow later) and to Girls Night Out with my sisters.  I wore myself out just sitting around and talking all day!  Today I have been resting a lot and trying to schedule out projects to keep me busy but still take it easy. 

So the mantra around our house lately has been "Take it easy, sweetheart, these things happen"  It's a quote from the movie It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World. If you haven't seen it, I recommend you take a few hours to see this great classic! 

Frustrated

Last night I had a brilliant idea to aid my ice cravings.  Lately I have been putting the ice cubes in the blender, dumping the ice shavings into a cup and putting in some lemonade (homemade lemonade- but not freshly squeezed).  I thought that it would be wonderful to make small ice cubes out of  the lemonade and then shave the lemon ice. 

 

I needed a small ice cube tray, so I headed out to Walmart to pick one up around 9 p.m. last night.  The parking lot was really crowded.  The west entrance was closed and guarded by employees and policemen.  A news truck and a radio truck were parked in front. 

 

I should have listened to my gut and just left, but I didn’t.  I wanted an ice cube tray.  No, I NEEDED an ice cube tray. 

 

I found a parking spot near the front and went in.  That is when I found out what all the hoopla was about.  Twilight.  The DVD came out last night and people were lining up to get the DVD and hopefully sneak a peek at a few of the actors from the movie. 

 

To each their own, I thought, as I made my way towards the kitchen  isle.  There was a stinking road block.  People were lined up in the isles 4-5 people wide and it went from the electronic department to the house goods department, completely blocking my access to the ice cube trays.  I was so upset.  I was irritated.  Come on, people, this is a store where people actually want to buy things, but they can’t because you are sitting on the floor in the isle  blocking access to half of the store so that you can buy a movie that you have already watched. 

 

I could feel my heart rate elevate.  My eyes were burning with hot tears.  I just want a freaking ice cube tray people.  I started feeling disoriented and angry.  This pregnant woman had to get out of the store before a melt down occurred.   

 

The fumes stopped by the time I got out of the parking lot.  Luckily the grocery store nearby had the tray I was looking for. 

 

I am sitting here with my cup of shaved lemon ice.  It is delicious. 

 

The news said that 5000 people were at the store last night for the DVD.  Ha!  I smirked.  The store only had 1000 DVD’s. 

Random Thoughts

I have been spending a lot of time reading other people's blogs lately.  I have been neglecting writing in my own, but I have just a ton of random thoughts so here they are:

• I use to be able to shower, dress and do my hair in about 10-15 minutes.  
• I am now unable to get out of the shower within 10. 
• A hot shower just feels so good that I don't want to get out until my fingers start to 'prune'.
• The other day I was taking a shower and I had my eyes closed while the water was hitting my back.  I opened my eyes and looked down and thought "good grief, I am so bloated!"
• I then remembered that I was pregnant, not bloated!
• Even though it was just momentarily, it was strange to 'forget' that I was pregnant- especially while naked!
• Saturday's weather was completely depressing.
• 3 inches of snow and it was gloomy and stormy outside ALL day.
• Seth had the stomach flu from Thursday through Saturday.  
• Saturday was the panic day and he went to the doctor because I was worried.
• Thankfully it was just a stomach flu, but it cost us $150 to find that out.  
• I went shopping on Saturday and bought new maternity clothes.
• I feel silly buying clothes that I will only wear for the next 2 months or so, but I had to get some clothes that I feel good in.
• I now weigh what I did when I STARTED my pregnancies with Paul and Seth.  All of the clothes I bought with Seth are too big.
• Daniel is a total sweetheart.  He completely encouraged me to go buy new clothes!  (He was most likely sick of listening to me complain!)
• He rationalized the cost of the new clothes to me this way: "Our maternity deductible is $6500, so you spending $100 on clothes makes the cost of this pregnancy $6600 instead.  We can handle that."
• $6500 for maternity deductible is outrageous.  
• But we knew that going into this pregnancy.  
• That is just how things are when you are self-employed and have to buy an individual health insurance plan.  
• I do not support the current health insurance bill that Pres. Obama wants passed.  
• I finally took down my autumn wreath from the front door this weekend.  
• I can't believe that I left it up all winter.
• I finally weeded the flowerbed by the front door yesterday.  
• It needed to be weeded before winter came, but it never happened.
• This Saturday is the first day of spring!
• Daniel is going golfing with his brothers.
• The boys and I are going to have a "First Day of Spring" party.
• I'm not sure what we are going to do yet, but it looks like the weather will be somewhat cooperative to play outside.  (highs around 47 degrees and sunny)
• I want to get a trampoline for the boys to play on
• We gave our old one to a neighbor when we moved and planned on getting a new one when we got into this house.
• We have been in this house for 2 years now.  
• I guess that it is time to make good on our promise.
• I have been craving ice lately.
• I like the ice that is in small balls and looks a bit like Styrofoam because it is easier to chew.
• When I was pregnant with Mark I would pick the restaurant according to the type of ice that they served.   
• Other cravings I have had this pregnancy: tater tots, broccoli, peanut butter, chocolate, cinnamon bears and Hot Tamales.
• Mmmmmm, I think that I'm going to go make some tater tots with a side of broccoli for lunch.

I Passed!

After receiving the news that I had failed my 1-hour glucose test, I was really upset.  I called my doctor and talked to him about my concerns of taking the 3-hour test.  He was very sympathetic about me getting sick.  He said that the 1-hour is just a screening and the 3-hour is diagnostic.  He said that he certainly can't force me to take the test, but without the 3-hour test, he would monitor me more closely just as a precaution (meaning he would treat me as though I did have gestational diabetes with 1 hour non-stress tests and such).  He recognized that I don't fall within many of the risk factors, but that it isn't impossible for me to have gestational diabetes.  He left it completely up to me and told me that he would support my decision.  I really like my doctor. 

I thought about this for a few days.  I looked up information about gestational diabetes.  I pondered more about things.  I remembered a few years ago when I was researching causes for my headaches and I monitored my blood sugar levels for a week or so.  Even when I tried, I couldn't get my levels to go above 130 (I ate 3 pieces of pizza, 2 bread sticks, 16 ounces of root beer, a root beer float with 3 scoops of ice cream and a chocolate pudding cup within 20 minutes and my blood sugar levels went from 80ish to around 130 at the peak).  For my level during the 1-hour test to be 163, I thought could be a significant sign.

I don't take diabetes lightly.  Both my maternal grandparents had diabetes, four of the six of their children have diabetes, my sister and my cousin both had gestational diabetes.  I figured that the test results were either a fluke (lab mistake) or that I did have GD.  I decided to go ahead and take the 3-hour test.

I was prepared for the day to be horrible and have a terrible migraine at the end of it all.  I drank the glucose solution (100 grams of glucose!) and tried to relax.  The waiting room was really uncomfortable for me.  There was a television blaring the morning shows, the receptionists chatting away loudly and I couldn't concentrate on my book (Pride and Prejudice- I love that book!).  I noticed that the office across the hall wasn't open and since the waiting rooms aren't enclosed, I went over to the other office and got away from the noise (and the stinky smoker in the first waiting room).  I carved out my own little corner and read. 

I set my alarm to make sure that I didn't miss my blood draws and things worked out beautifully!  For the bulk of the first hour I felt like I was going to throw up, but after that passed, I felt just fine.  I was pleasantly surprised!  I was able to stay focused on my book and the time passed rather quickly.  I seriously felt better at the end of the 3-hour mark than I did after my 1-hour test. 

The nurse called me this afternoon to tell me that I had passed the test.  My levels were: fasting 76, 1 hour 111, 2 hour 80, 3 hour 79.  I'm kind of frustrated that I spent the morning taking the test, but glad to know with certainty that I don't have GD.  I am grateful that I don't have GD.  I am further grateful that I didn't get super sick from taking the test.

I Failed

I got a phone call from my doctors office today informing me that I failed my 1-hour glucose test.  I am supposed to call and schedule a 3-hour test tomorrow and I really, REALLY don't want to to it.  I took a glucose tolerance test when I was 15 and I got so sick.  I really can't imagine how sick I will be doing this while pregnant.  I will have to fast for 12 hours, drink the glucose stuff and have my blood tested every three hours.  That is 15 hours with only a bunch of sugar in my system.  I got shaky and couldn't concentrate at the 45 minute mark of the 1-hour test. 

I am really frustrated.  I know that gestational diabetes is serious, so I need to find out if I have it and make sure that I keep the blood sugar levels in check.  But I really don't want to take the test.  I KNOW that I will be sick for a few days after the test.  Heck, I can't handle eating a meal late, yet alone skipping one (or two).

I cried when the nurse told me the results.  I am going to call and ask tomorrow if there is any other option to diagnosing GD.  I seriously cannot handle more food restrictions than I already have. 

Home Alone

Saturday morning Daniel went to Grand Junction, Colorado to visit his brother, Sam.  He took the boys with him and I was left at home, all alone.  It has been very quiet around here- and I've loved it!  I will be ready for them to come home this afternoon, but I really enjoyed the quiet time. 

I'm still not feeling that great (thus the reason I stayed home- as I actually would have liked to go).  I'm not sure if my 'pregnancy honeymoon' is over or if I am sick.  I still have the sinus mess, but man am I ever tired.  I am in the third trimester and I remember being exhausted like this during my pregnancy with Seth (for every one hour up and about I need two hours of rest).  I didn't get everything accomplished during the 2nd trimester that I wanted to get done.  Most of it can wait, so no big deal, right?  I still want to go and visit my brother in Idaho before I have the baby.  But I think that it will be a wait and see trip.  This sucks.

This weekend I watched Pride and Prejudice (the BBC version), took naps, finished the quilt top, ate half a package of chocolate chips (I melted them and added a big spoonful of peanut butter to it), worked on a few projects in the office and the baby's room, browsed the internet and rested.  I still need to clean up my sewing stuff, but technically it can wait until dinnertime as that is when we will need the table next (unless I just serve cold cereal and have the boys sit at the bar!) 

I have been getting these terrible side cramps at random times that last anywhere from 20-45 minutes.  I went to my doctor on Thursday and he checked to make sure that everything is okay.  My cervix is still closed, so it is just a muscular issue.  That relived me a lot.  My doctor suggested that I put my knees up to my chest and lay in fetal position to shorten the muscle and possibly ease the cramping.  I laughed and told him that fetal position right now is easier said than done.  I'm having one of the cramps right now and I've got to go walk around and find a more comfortable position. 

28 weeks

I am 28 weeks pregnant right now.  The due date is only 12 weeks away!  That seems awfully soon, and yet, so far away.  I am excited to see our little Jane.  She has been super active the last few days, her favorite activity has been using my bladder as a punching (or kicking?) bag.

We bought a dresser and a bookcase for the nursery, so now I can start putting the clothes away and start stocking up on diapers.  Things are falling into place for us to welcome our little one home!   

The past two weeks have been a real struggle for me with this sinus mess.  I really hate being sick.  I think that my body is taking longer to recuperate because I am pregnant.  I have missed out on a few social events this last week because I have felt so crummy.  I really need to get better so I can get out of the house.  During times where I have felt somewhat better, I have been working on a baby quilt.  I it is nearly finished (I love how quickly baby quilts come together!)  I am planning on having it machine quilted so hopefully I will have some pictures to show in the next few weeks when I get it back from the quilter.

I have discovered an easy gluten-free flour mix that has worked in many of my favorite recipes.  When I am sick I crave breakfast foods, so I have been excited to make muffins, cinnamon strudel cake (aka coffee cake) PANCAKES, German pancakes and popovers using my normal recipes and just substituting the regular flour with the mix (plus a teaspoon or so of xanthan gum).  (The mix is 3 parts white rice flour to 2 parts cornstarch.  I mixed up a big batch and it is ready to go!)  I even found a place that sells white rice flour for about $1 a pound which is super cheap compared to other stores (thanks Debbie!) (the store is WinCo- in their bulk section)

Paul has been sick this past week, too.  He complained that his stomach hurt on Friday morning, but then seemed fine in the afternoon.  Saturday he puked (thank goodness he made it to the toilet on time!) and felt terrible.  Sunday he was tired, but okay.  Monday he was tired, but okay.  Tuesday he complained about his stomach hurting again.

A few years ago complaints about stomach aches would have fallen on deaf ears in this house.  But after two situations within my family, we take chronic stomach pain seriously.

My cousin's little girl (age 7) complained that her stomach hurt.  They thought that it was because she had been eating so many sweets (it was around Christmas time) and told her to go rest.  I don't know how long she complained about her tummy ache, but they wound up taking her to the hospital and she never came home.  I'm not completely sure about the details, but she had a hernia in her abdomen that had blocked her bowels and her bowels essentially ruptured and killed her. 

Last fall my nephew was throwing up and had stomach aches.  They thought that he had the flu since they had been around other people with the flu.  After 5 days of being sick they took him into the hospital assuming that they would give him an IV for dehydration.  Instead the doctors took him into surgery for an emergency appendectomy.  The appendix had burst, and my little nephew (age 9) was really sick.  He nearly died.  He spent 30 days in ICU and another week or two in the hospital.

So that is why we don't turn a deaf ear to stomach aches around here.  Daniel took Paul to the InstaCare around dinner time.  Thankfully it wasn't anything serious- he was diagnosed with strep infection.  His throat wasn't even sore.  My mom said that I would have a strep infection and my stomach would hurt or I'd get a rash, but no sore throat.

Paul in on antibiotics and is slowly getting his energy back.  Mark offered to stay home from school to keep Paul company yesterday.  Sorry, but NO.  Paul needed to rest, not have someone to fight with all day!

Time for dinner.  I'm going to try making cornbread tonight.  Hope it works out!

Silver Linings

I woke up Sunday with a terrible sinus mess.  It isn't much better today and I just feel miserable.  I really want to dope up on my beloved NyQuil and go to sleep, but I can't.  This situation, however, has many silver linings:

• I still have meds that I can take while I am pregnant
• I just woke up from a nap and Daniel is taking care of Seth
• I haven't had heartburn for two full days (must be the phlegm lining that is saving me!)

I had to fire our piano teacher.  The method he taught (his own) just wasn't working with my boys.  They weren't learning appropriate technique and the teacher was really busy, so teaching wasn't his priority.  It was so hard for me to make the phone call to tell him that we wouldn't be using his services anymore. 

The boys started with their new piano teacher yesterday.  She is having to start them from the very beginning because they are pretty messed up with lack of technique and understanding of how things work.  I am now paying $5 more a lesson and I have to drive them there.  The silver lining?

• The boys have a good teacher who is willing to work with them to understand the piano.
• The boys seem excited about their new teacher.

I feel so ugly right now.  I never feel 'pretty' with a sinus mess, but add a bulging belly to the equation and I just feel ugly.  My boobs feel look like Grandma Kresser boobs as they hang down to my belly when I'm not wearing a bra (TMI?  sorry).  My belly has finally poked out further than my boobs, though.  The maternity clothes that I wore 10 years ago are hideous. 

• I'm glad that I've had a few people loan me clothes because I'd be going crazy right now in peg-legged panel jeans and tent-shirts. (thanks Denise and Jill!)
• Just being around Daniel I forget that I feel ugly.  He always makes me feel beautiful.
• I love Daniel!

 

Confessionals

Several blogs that I read do a Friday Confessional post.  I thought that I’d give it a try.  So here we go:

• Sometimes I let Seth play the computer  3-4 hours a day
• because I am too tired to play with him and I need my naptime
• that makes me a bad mom, but he thinks that I am a cool mom
• I’m tired of being pregnant- but I’d much rather put up with the exhaustion, heart burn, discomfort and kicks to the ribs than be sitting in NICU wondering if the little one will ever come home. 
• I cut the boys hair last night.  I cut it shorter than they asked, so that they could go longer between hair cuts.
• I hate cutting their hair. 
• But I hate paying $10 a head even more
• I am really dreading child birth and the aftermath
• It’s just the unknown factor of childbirth that scares me- all three of my deliveries have been very different.
• I wish that the baby could ‘spawn out of my belly’ like Seth thinks it will.
• I wish that Mark and Paul would take more responsibility for themselves. 
• I mean, is it really a  surprise that you need to clear your plate off of the table after dinner, or brush your teeth before bed?  We do it EVERY night, so why do I have to remind them to do it?
• Everything I eat lately gives me heart burn. 
• I like Rolaids better than Tums
• I hope that our baby has lots of hair.
• I am almost jealous of how much Daniel loves our baby already.  Seriously! 
• Daniel spoils me- and I enjoy letting him spoil me.
• I sarcastically made a loaf of bread for a friend a few weeks ago.  I also made one for my family and now all they want is the homemade bread (well bread maker bread!)  It isn’t that hard, but just something else to do…
• The smell of baking bread is torture for me- I can’t eat it because of the wheat, but it sure does smell good!
• Hah!  fancy that, I said that something smells good while I am pregnant!
• My sister-in-law gave me a bunch of clothes for my boys.  The fabric softener smell was so strong (even after 6 months of airing out in the garage) that I had to wash them with 2 cups of baking soda and use vinegar in the rinse cycle FOUR times to get the scent to a tolerable level.
• A few more weeks in the garage and another wash or two just might do the trick!
• I feel like I am neglecting my boys to get things done for the baby. 
• That is normal, right?
• The baby’s room looks like Kid to Kid right now with piles of clothes that have been sorted into sizes.  I have had two big boxes/bags of girl clothes given to me this week.
• I love hand-me-downs!
• I am having a tough time getting use to seeing the color pink in our house. 
• I gave a neighbor all of the boy clothes we had (she is due the same day I am) and I have little tinges of regret because of the emotional connection.  But I’d rather the clothes be used than sit in storage. 
• I really hope that the ultrasound technician was right.  We had better be having a girl!
• If I were an ultrasound tech and the patient was really bugging me, I might be tempted to tell them the wrong gender. 
• I don’t think that I was bugging the tech. 

Thanks for the encouragement to do a confessional, Marianne! I think that my post would be more appropriately titled “Friday Whine Fest Mingled with Random Confessions”, but this was kind of fun!  Now I need to go get Seth off of the computer and feed him some lunch.  Maybe we’ll watch a movie after lunch…

February 14, 2010

I think that the only thing that will get me through today if the fact that I am pregnant.  February 14, 2010 was the due date of my last pregnancy.  I didn’t talk much about the miscarriage at the time because it was just too painful.

March of 2009, I suspected I was pregnant, confirmed that I was pregnant and miscarried all within 48 hours.  I was only about 5 weeks along and I was terribly depressed.  Then in May I was pregnant again!  Daniel and I were really excited, but wanted to wait a bit to share the news.  In June, when I was about 7 weeks along, I started spotting and I called my doctor.  Daniel wasn’t home, so I called my sister, Kim, to see if she could take me to the doctor (we only have one car).


The phone call to Kim was difficult for me.  I thought that I was okay, but as soon as she answered, I started bawling and could barely make a coherent word come out of my mouth.  I calmed down enough to tell her what was going on.  After I hung up the phone, I sat on the couch and cried and cried.  I knew that this pregnancy wasn’t valid anymore.  I just knew it.

I felt so confused.  We had been trying to get pregnant for nearly 3 years with nothing.  Then to get pregnant twice and miscarry both of them was difficult to absorb.

Daniel was able to get home in time to come with me to the doctors.  At first I didn’t care if he came or not, but I was really glad that he was there with me.  My doctor was 95% certain that I was in the process of a miscarriage.  He said that nothing I did or didn’t do would affect the outcome of this pregnancy, so I tried to stay as busy as I could.  The next day I hosted a family dinner at my house.  I cleaned, I went shopping, I ate and I tried to sleep.

I started bleeding quite heavily and cramping the next day, which confirmed the loss of the baby.  I was really angry.  Every time I went to the bathroom I was reminded of my loss.  I wanted to be buying diapers, not maxi pads.   I wanted to be making fun plans for a February baby, not dreading the next Valentine’s day.  I wanted to be pregnant, not mourning the loss of another pregnancy.

This miscarriage was a lot more difficult for me to deal with than the first one.  Mainly, I think, because with the first, there was such a short amount of time between finding out I was pregnant and the miscarriage.  I never even figured out the due date.  With this second one, Daniel and I had known we were pregnant for 3 weeks.  We had a due date and had made plans for the nursery.  

I went into Daniel’s office and I could tell that he had been crying.  It was then that I realized that this was a loss for him too.  I had been so absorbed in myself that I didn’t think about how this was for him.  He not only lost a child, he had to watch his wife suffer physically and emotionally to recover from it.  He had been acting really strong around me because I needed his strength, but inside he was just as devastated as I was. 
I sat on Daniel’s lap and we both had a good cry as we held each other.  I think that I will always remember that moment because it really pulled us together as a couple.

I found a lot of difficulties with knowing how to mourn for a baby who most likely never had a heart beat, whose gender wasn’t known to me, who didn’t have a name, a face or a body.  I struggled with doctrinal issues within the church about life and death.  I struggled to love my body because I felt so betrayed by my body for not keeping the baby.  I struggled with depression.

I found a lot of spiritual comfort over the next few weeks.  I didn’t find all of the answers I hoped for, but I found comfort.

Like I said at the beginning, being pregnant right now somehow makes today seem a lot easier to handle.  I am far more grateful for this pregnancy than I would have been otherwise.

To my little cupid angel: Happy birthday!  Love Mom.