Roller Coaster Ramblings

This week my emotions have been on a wicked roller coaster ride.  I have been crying at some of the most insane things (like realizing that the dishes need to be done and I don't want to do them, or picking Seth up from preschool knowing that he only has a few weeks left). 

Yesterday was the first day of May.  My baby is due in 20 days! 

My emotions have been running up and down with my feelings about being pregnant.  I realized that I only have a few weeks left before I am not pregnant anymore.  In a few weeks I won't be able to feel a living creature inside of me.  I won't feel a baby with the hiccups inside of me again.  People won't come up to me and touch my belly anymore.  Being pregnant is such a wonderful, miraculous experience and this journey in my life is coming to an end.  I am excited to start the next phase of this miracle, but hesitant to leave pregnancy behind as this is my last one.   

On the flip side of the wonderful emotions I have been having about pregnancy, I have realized that once the baby is out, my belly won't be cute anymore- I'm going to have to start working out again (the upside is that I will have more energy and dexterity to allow working out!).  In a few weeks my constant heartburn should abate.  My breasts will be even bigger than they are right now (I'm really not thrilled about this). I am going to be responsible for caring for a baby again- it is a lot of work.  Life will be a bit more complicated than it is right now.   I am anxious to have my body back to myself, even though it will be a while after she is born.  I have been extremely sensitive to smells again.  The smell of the soaps in the bathrooms are outrageously strong to me, newspapers and books stink, other peoples perfumes and laundry detergents are driving me crazy (I could smell the fabric softener of a family who stood BEHIND me at the store the other day).  I know that I am sensitive to smells to start out with, but I am anxious to have this super sensitivity due to pregnancy be gone.  Our family of 6 will not easily fit at most tables at a restaurant.  Five people barely fit in most places.  We will have to take two tables at most fast food places.  We don't eat out a lot, but it is something we will deal with when we do.     

I have been adamant that I wasn't going to breastfeed this time around.  But I started producing colostrum a few weeks ago and all of these emotions have made me rethink that decision.  Once I decide that I will breastfeed, I change my mind.  Back and forth.  Back and forth.  Right now I feel that the best decision for me is to do both breast and bottle.  I plan to breastfeed at the hospital and at home, then I will alternate between each feeding once my milk comes in.  I do not handle lack of sleep well at all.  Daniel has agreed to get up for the nighttime bottle feeding.  He knows how important sleep is to my physical and emotional well being.  The Breastfeeding Nazis out there will tell me that I am setting myself up for failure and that I can't supplement, but I only lasted 6 weeks of exclusively breastfeeding Paul and Seth because I couldn't keep up with the lack of sleep. I know that I'll just have to see how it all works out, but this topic has been on my mind constantly for the past few weeks.  I want to do what is best for Jane and for me.  This seems to be the solution that will benefit both of us.   

I was always a proponent of  unmedicated births until I went into labor with Mark.  That epidural seriously saved me.  It was a long labor and I was physically spent after 13 hours of labor.  The epidural really helped me get through the next 6 hours.  I quickly changed my mind that epidural births are the way to go.  But now that I am having my last baby, (and Seth's labor was really fast) I have found myself wondering if I want to have a natural child birth just to experience it.  I have read studies that have shown that women who have a NCB reduce their chances of postpartum depression, something that I am really concerned about.  I keep going back and forth between what I really want.  Once again, this is something that I just need to wait and see how things go.  If I have a short labor like I did with Seth, I truly think that I can do it without the epidural, but if I am up all night with contractions and have a super long delivery, then I think that I will need help.

I am a list maker.  I love to list things that I need to accomplish during the day and then check them off as I do them.  This 'taking things easy' job has made my to-do list rather sad.  I see a ton of things that need to be done, but that I just can't do right now.  I've been working on getting the nursery put together at a snail's pace.  I got really depressed last week when my list had two or three things on it and I only got one of them done.  So, I've started making a realistic list of what my day should look like.  My list has included movies to watch, TV shows to watch (through Hulu.com), time to take a nap, time to read books and the sort.  It has helped me feel as though I am accomplishing something during the day (even if my house is filthy!) 

With just a few weeks left before my baby is due, I feel like a walking time bomb.  I can't commit to anything for the next month.  It is kind of frustrating, but thankfully everyone understands. 

I am so excited to see how this month plays out!