Thursday night was a long night for me (and Daniel). I was really sore and engorged from my milk coming in. (It came in Wednesday afternoon) I really thought that I could handle breastfeeding. I knew that I just needed to make it through the first week, but I am not strong enough to tough it out right now. I started getting angry with Jane because she just wasn't eating enough to relieve the engorgement. I was so exhausted, sore and scared. I told myself that the first sign of me blaming the baby or getting upset with her, I needed to stop. I tried pumping an ounce off of both sides. That relieved me for about 30 minutes before they started hurting again. Jane was hungry, so I tried feeding her, but the latch on was extremely painful and I lost it. I started sobbing (again) as Daniel took Jane from me and tried to settle her down while I tried to settle down. He fed her the milk I had pumped. She downed it in 2 minutes. It took me an hour to collect it.
My breasts are so huge it is ridiculous. They are really heavy and hard as rocks. I can't fold my arms, sit up close to the table, or sleep on my side. Sleeping on my back hurts, but not as much. My back is tender from the epidural site so I feel like I can't sleep on my back or my sides. My breasts are so huge that I decided to measure them. They are 21 inches around. (that is as big around as my thigh) Jane's head is only 14 inches around.
I am now trying to dry my milk up. It hurts. I am using cabbage leaves and I smell lovely.
I realized that giving up breastfeeding is difficult emotionally because I am giving up ownership of my baby. I have been her sole source of life and I am handing it off to a source that anyone can provide for her. She isn't exclusively mine anymore.
I snapped like this with Paul around the 6 week mark and with Seth around the 3 week mark. I really thought that I would last longer than just 3 days. I am sad, but know that I need to do what is best for me and the baby. Bottle feeding is going well. I am more relaxed about feeding times. I finally got more than 2 hours of sleep at a time (and it felt wonderful!) Daniel is grateful for being able to spend some time with her. He took all of the night time feedings last night (and I got 7 hours of sleep- not continuous, but still 7 hours!) He said that he is now able to bond with Jane because he gets to spend more time with her.
I keep having self imposed twinges of guilt for giving up breastfeeding so soon. Emotionally and physically I cannot do it any longer. Being patient with myself is difficult.
I have been crying so much the last two weeks. I really hope that this is just the baby blues and not something more. Hopefully with more regular sleep I will get feeling better.
I'm glad you were smart enough to realize your limits. I'm also glad Daniel is so sweet and helpful. I hope things keep getting better. Love ya Shern.
ReplyDeleteI think you win the mommy of the year award! Not because you tried breastfeeding. Not that you chose to bottlefeed! ONLY because YOU know yourself so well and you know your limits. Good on you for seeing all the signs and knowing when enough was enough before you ended up getting angry, depressed, etc and doing something you may regret in the future. That is what being a good mom is! I am sorry you are having a rough go of it and I hope things get better for you. She is an abosolute doll and the boys look like they are just loving her up. Keep up the good work. I have been on both sides of the breast versus bottle issue with all 6 of mine. I dont enjoy breastfeeding at all and my milk ends up drying up at about 5 months so I then bottle feed after that. I congratulate you for doing what is best for the 2 of you. that is all that really matters in the end, having a happy mommy and healthy baby, which you only get by doing what you are comfortable with and are able to handle. Anyway, congrats on the lil girl and good luck. Miss ya, love ya, thinking of you guys!
ReplyDeleteI understand your feelings. My situations were much different from yours but at times I had very similar feelings. You are so wise to let go even though it is so hard. And you are wise to let Dan help even when you don't want help -- you just want to do it yourself! We love you and admire all you do. Hang in there -- hugs, Mom and Dad
ReplyDeleteOh Sherron! This post brought back memories for me. I snapped too with my last one but I didn't come to the right solution for a long time. Thank heavens for supportive and loving husbands right?
ReplyDeleteI love you Sherron! You know what you did was the right thing. Not being able to breastfeed at all was really hard for me because I felt like I needed to provide that for my baby, but after talking with a few people, it calmed me knowing that bonding and having a healthy baby will happen with bottle feeding too! You are so strong and I have no doubt that you'll pass that strength along to Jane!
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