A Nature Walk

The other night the weather was beautiful.  There was a touch of chill in the warm spring air. We had finished cleaning up dinner and the outdoors were beckoning me.  I felt driven to play outside.  I gathered those who were willing to join me (Jane and Seth) and we went for a walk along the Jordan River.   

The first stop was at the bridge.  And then played on the playground for a few minutes.

Then it was time for some silly selfies.  

There was a pleasant calm in the air. We only passed a few people the entire night, so it felt like we had the world to ourselves.  We strolled around just playing and observing. Our old house in Draper is behind us in this photo about a mile away.  Seth was too young to remember living there.  But I felt that somehow I was visiting a former part of my life blended in with my current life.   a

Seth and me- pretty son he'll be taller than me!

Jane and me

Seth and Jane

I love this picture of Seth and Jane.  They are good together- such a beautiful thing to watch!  I love how Jane lifted up her foot when she posed for the picture.  I sure love these two wonderful people!

We walked as we watched the sun go down.  As the tips of the mountains were being covered by the night shadow, we walked back to the van and watched the sun sink behind the mountain on our drive home.  We stayed out much later than I had planned.  Bedtime was delayed that night, but it was a magical night- one where we allowed nature to lead us where we needed to be and we were able to just be present in the moment.  

A Few Weeks

I know that I haven't blogged for a while.  I thought to myself that it had been a few weeks, but when I got around to checking out the facts, it has been nearly 2 months.  WHAT?  Where has the time gone?  I have a few 'valid' excuses, (like I got a new computer, I was sick, I've been working on other projects, I was feeling blah...) but they are all just excuses and really lousy ones at that. 

I knew that I wanted to write about my eye surgery, as I had the procedure done one year ago this week, so here we go!  Finally a blog post for the month of April. 

The first three months after I had the PRK done, I was really upset that I had elected to have a procedure done that made my eyesight worse, but it is much, much better now! My eyes just took a long time to heal and my vision was really cloudy until the skin completely healed.   My left eye is 20/15 and my right eye is 20/25, so my combined eyesight is 20/20! 

I have loved going swimming and not having to wear glasses.  I have loved waking up in the middle of the night and not putting glasses on to go check on the baby.  I have loved walking into the house during the winter and not dealing with my glasses fogging up.  Every time I open the oven door I am grateful to not have to back away so that my glasses won't fog. I'm not sure about how much I like having a clear view of things in the shower, though!  I love that I can rest my head on Daniel's chest without removing my glasses.  Overall I am very happy with my results! 

It took about 7 or 8 months before I stopped reaching for my glasses on my nightstand as the first thing I did in the morning.  

At night I would lay in my bed and look at this painting that we have on our bedroom wall.  Before the procedure, I tried to simulate what my vision was like.  It was difficult to do, and I wasn't able to get a true representation because the blur feature doesn't blur things like my eyes did- (the whole 2D vs 3D thing I believe) but this is a close approximation of what the painting looked like to me when I wasn't wearing my glasses.  (My vision was approximately 20/800)

Before



After

I was always amazed that the pendants would disappear when I took my glasses off! 

 

As much as I wished that I had done the procedure earlier, I am glad that I waited until I was done having children.  Pregnancy hormones always changed my vision quite a bit and I really didn't want to mess things up.  My doctor kind of teased me for waiting so long, but he agreed with me whole heartedly when I told him about my pregnancy vision. 

 

So, three cheers for PRK!  (But if you have the option to do Lasik, I'd totally go that route as the healing time is much faster!)  

Watching Grass Grow

I had my eye surgery done almost 5 weeks ago and I still cannot see clearly.  I have been super frustrated.  My body is just being slow to heal.  The cornea looks good, so it is just a matter of time until the tissue in front of the cornea heals.  The last week or so I have been more active mainly because I have figured out how to work around the blurry vision.  The doctor said that my vision in the right eye is 20/25 but the tissue in front of the cornea makes the vision hazy.  If you have ever put on a pair of sunglasses after a little kid with sticky fingers has played with them (leaving smudgy fingerprints on the lenses) then you know how my vision is right now.  I hope that this opinion changes, but right now I am deeply regretting having done the surgery. 

The last day of school before the kids went off-track, Seth's class planted grass in a cup.  I have been watching the grass grow- literally!  It got long enough to put some of Jane's hair clips in it.  Seth had a lot of fun watching Mr. Grassman! 

This off-track session was the last one I had with all of my kids.  I am upset that I wasn't able to do all of the things we had planned.  We still did a few things though, thanks to my parents, Uncle Nathan,  and Madeleine for being the drivers!  

We went to Hale Center Theater for a back stage tour.  It was amazing to see all of the work that goes on to put a play together.  We got to go down in the mechanical room to see the stage.  Hale Center is a theater in the round, so there isn't really a back stage.  The stage can rotate and move up and down, so we were under the stage looking at all of the equipment it uses to operate the stage.  We had a great time with my parents and Madeleine! 

The last week off-track was pretty busy for the boys.  Their Uncle Nathan came and took them swimming and out to dinner on Monday. 

Wednesday my parents took us to Thanksgiving Point to the farm. The kids got to ride on the ponies and enjoyed it.  Jane giggled almost the entire time!     

My Mom and Dad (Isn't my dad so cute?)

Friday Madeleine took us to Kennecott Copper Mines. Madeleine was so cute!  She put little toys on each of the seats for the kids to play with on the way there.  Then while we were viewing the mine, she put little treats out for each of us to discover when we got back in the car.  The kids got PEZ and I got a bag of cinnamon bears!  She is so sweet!  (She is going to make an awesome grandma!  Her daughter is due with a baby girl in August!)
It was a stormy day, but the rain and clouds cleared up in time for us to visit. 

Mark, Madeleine, Paul, Seth and Jane (who wanted nothing to do with posing for a picture!)

Mark, Paul, Seth, Jane, and Yours Truly!

Mark and Jane

Madeleine and Seth

Friday Daniel and I went to SLC to the Assembly Hall on Temple Square to see his cello teacher perform in the string quartet that she is part of.

It was great to finally get out and do things.  The first few weeks traveling was difficult because not being able to see clearly really made me carsick.  I still can't see clearly, but the vision had definitely improved over the last few weeks. 

This Week Has Been A Blur- Literally

A week ago Tuesday, I went to the eye doctor for an exam in preparation for LASIK surgery the following Friday.  My eyes were dilated and I spent the entire day trying to keep a migraine from coming on.  Getting my eyes dilated is a miserable experience for me because I tend to get monster migraines after getting one.  I have been able to talk my previous doctors into not getting the dilation done, but seeing as how I was going in for surgery, it was necessary to do a full exam.  Anyhow, I spent all day Tuesday not being able to see clearly (my vision came back around 9:30 that night) and then then next day I was in what we call the migraine hangover at our house.  I was okay, but felt out of it and a bit loopy.  (That is, loopier than normal, just to clarify.) 

Thursday I had good vision and then Friday morning I went in for the surgery.  I didn't qualify for LASIK because of an abnormality on my cornea, but I was a good candidate for the PRK surgery.  I didn't do much research on PRK once I found out that it was what I was having, mainly because I only had one good day of vision, and I was afraid of finding a website that tells horror stories about people who had their eyes turn into cesspools and their eyeballs exploded because of PRK.  I was nervous about the procedure, but had complete confidence in my surgeon, so it was an ixnay on the esearchray.

LASIK and PRK are very similar, but the recovery time for PRK is a lot longer because it is more invasive.  I didn't really understand what that meant, but I do now.  They sent me home with 3 eye drop medicines and prescriptions for pain relief and  sleeping pills (they don't do that for LASIK patients because it isn't as painful)  I took one of the pain pills and felt sick.  Really sick.  The stupid pain pill made me so dizzy that I was rather close to throwing up.  It left me with a complimentary migraine.  I never needed the sleeping pills though- I had no problem sleeping for two solid days.  Daniel would come and wake me up every  30 minutes to administer the eye drops, then I'd go back to sleep. 

I had the surgery on Friday and it is now Tuesday evening and my vision is still blurry.  It is getting better, but it is difficult to keep my eyes open for very long.  I have been typing most of this with my eyes closed.  (so I will probably go through and edit it later)

I keep reminding myself that this was completely self-inflicted, meaning that this was optional and not medically necessary. Over the years I have thought about cosmetic surgeries and this is the one that I have not hesitated to consider.  Knowing that in a few weeks I will be able to see at least 20/40 without glasses is what is keeping me going.  I have been spending  a lot of time listening to talk radio and catching up on one of my favorite radio shows called "Wait Wait Don't Tell Me".  Each episode has provided me with a good belly laugh, which has been good for me. 

I feel very blessed to be able to have this procedure done.  It is expensive, but we felt that it was worth the expense (after paying for eye glasses over the years, it adds up too!)  Daniel has come out as a super hero (again) for taking such good care of me and the house while I've been out of commission.  We weren't planning on me being out for this long, so he has had to do more than we bargained for. 

Every 30 minutes I put eye drops in my eyes to keep my cornea moist and help with the healing.  Today I was on the couch when I put the eye drops in .  My eyes were feeling drier than usual, so I put two drops in each eye.  The excess drops flooded out like tears, and Jane was quite concerned.  She grabbed a tissue, wiped my 'tears', wiped my nose, gave me a hug and then threw the tissue away.  It was the sweetest little moment.  I am spoiled to be taken care of so well!  Paul wrote a poem for me, but I'll need to post it later. 

Here is to seeing better tomorrow!  I might get medical clearance to drive on Thursday! 

3 Weeks

The boys go back to school tomorrow and I am sad.  We didn't get to do a lot of the things that we had planned.  The first half of week one was spent in quarantine, as Seth and Mark had pinkeye.  Normally there is just a 24-hour wait until you aren't considered contagious, but Monday Seth had it, Tuesday morning Mark's right eye was infected, and then his left eye was infected on Wednesday.  As a precaution and courtesy, we stayed home to avoid sharing the bug.  I was so grateful that Jane didn't get it.  I am glad that it stopped at two people.  I spent a lot of time cleaning door knobs, handles, light switches, remotes, etc. to keep the rest of the family from getting pinkeye. 

Week two was good.  We spent an afternoon with Madeleine, played with friends and had a good week. 

Week three was not so good.  I had a migraine that started on Tuesday night and it stayed with me until Thursday.  I had the classic "migraine hangover" on Friday and Saturday.  It amazed me how quickly I got depressed when my headache lingered.  Having the boys home made it difficult for me and I was upset that I had to cancel the plans we had made. 

We did go to the dinosaur museum at Thanksgiving Point with my parents on Friday.  We had never been there before and my parents have a membership there (it was a Christmas present from the kids!) so we went and had a good time.  If my parents hadn't been coming, I wouldn't have taken the boys (and girl! Why do I always forget to include her?).

On Saturday the boys were trying to link up with their cousins to play a computer game together, but it wasn't working.  Ben came and got the boys and took them to his house.  They spent the night there and it was strange to have it so quiet around the house.  It was theraputic for me to have some quiet while getting over the crazy headache and accompanying depression (You know what?  Sometimes I really don't like being a girl.)

I know that tomorrow Jane will call out for the boys.  She doesn't understand this crazy schedule we are on.  She loves to play with her brothers and really does miss them when they are at school.  The first few days are the hardest on her. 

Jane calls all of the boys "Paul" (it sounds like Pauw).  Paul thinks that it is great, but Mark and Seth try desperately to have her call them by their names.  She will say Seth's name when looking at his pictures, but she will call all of them Pauw when face-to-face! 

Jane is quite the chatter bug and I love it!  It is so fun to see her chat away- she is so animated!  Almost every time I try to catch it on the camera, she stops.  The other day Seth pretended to fall down the stairs in a dramatic fashion.  Jane ran to the top of the stairs and yelled down "You okay?" 

The next time that the boys are off-track will be our last off-track session this school year.  Next school year will be different around here because Mark will be on a different schedule than Paul and Seth. Mark will start Jr. High in the fall.  I'm not sure how I feel about being on different schedules.  I know that Mark will feel kind of left out when we do things while Paul and Seth are off-track, but I can't make them stay home because Mark is at school.   We are entering new territory here.  Hopefully we will all be healthy for our next break from school. 



 

Belt Test

All of the boys in our family are taking Tae Kwon Do.  It has made our evening schedule busier than ever, but it has been great.  On Friday night, Paul and Seth received their yellow belt and Daniel received his purple belt. Mark has his purple belt already, but isn't ready to advance quite yet.  (The belt order goes: white, yellow, purple, orange, green, blue, brown, red, black.) It was a long evening, but I really enjoyed watching the boys work so hard. 

Paul

Paul doing a roundhouse kick

Jane watching her brothers. 

Seth doing the frog leaps

Paul breaking a board

Seth breaking a board

The yellow belt recipients with Master Hong

Here is a video of  Daniel breaking three boards at one time.  Each board is about 3/4 inch thick. 



Daniel doing the Tae Kwan Do forms. 

Congratulations to Paul, Seth and Daniel for doing so well!  High-Ya! 

For Marianne (and anyone who is interested): We go to Family Tae Kwon Do in West Jordan.  Contact Master Hong 801.938.3849  Ask him about a free trial class and tell him that I referred you! 

The Same, Yet Different

I wanted to be back at my pre-pregnancy weight nine months after Jane was born.  When I realized that that wasn't going to be happening, I gave myself nine more months.  I am so happy to say that I am there!  I am at my pre-pregnancy weight!  Not just pre-Jane, but pre-Mark weight!  Right now I weigh the same as I did thirteen years ago!  The strange thing is that even though the number on the scale is the same, my body sure doesn't look the same!  Things have shifted and scarred and enlarged, but I still love my body. 

I realize that I probably won't ever get rid of the little pouch of skin on my tummy.  The scars from the many (MANY) stretchmarks won't go away, but I love that they are my physical reminders that I had the wonderful opportunity to have life grow inside of me.  I have chosen to let those silvery scars represent love and life, not disgust and discouragement.  I am so grateful to be a mother. 

Throughout my journey of loosing weight, Daniel has always made me feel beautiful- even if I didn't think that I was.  His encouragement helped me to have the patience I needed to make this journey. Thank you Daniel, for always finding me to be beautiful in your eyes. 

My wedding dress is sitting in my cedar chest and I have an itch to try it on.  I'm not so sure if it is a good idea or not.  I'm afraid that I won't be able to zip it up over my hips.  They are definitely wider.  My ribcage is wider, too.  My 13th anniversary coming up next week, so I think that it is why I'm thinking about it.  What do you think?  Should I pull it out and try it, or leave it alone? 

A Pain in the Rear

Coccydynia is a pain in the butt- literally!

Today I started physical therapy on my tailbone for coccydynia.  My tailbone has been hurting ever since Jane was born.  The pain has always been while sitting or laying on my back, but it has gotten worse over the last year and after trying a few different kind of adjustments with my chiropractor, he referred me to a physician to see what the problem is.  I was diagnoised with coccydynia, (which is the fancy name for when the coccyx hurts) and referred to a physical therapist.  If things don't improve with the therapy, then I will try steroid injections to help with the pain. 

I am sore from the treatment, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be (mainly because we only did external manipulation).  The muscles surrounding the tailbone are really tight on the left side and that is what we beleive is causing the pain (the muscles won't allow the tailbone to move/curve the way it needs to when I sit, so I wind up sitting directly on top of the tailbone).

 I am anxious to be able to sit down for longer than 5 minutes without being uncomfortable.  I am anxious to sit in the car and not be in near tears while trying to get out of the seat.  I am anxious to go to a movie and actually enjoy sitting through the credits. 

I've heard that if you walk out of physical therapy feeling worse than you did when you walked in, that they are doing their job right.  I am sore, but I think that the meds are helping me to feel better than I would be otherwise.  I might be singing a different story tomorrow. 

As a side note, it is costing me half as much money to be a self-pay patient rather than going through my insurance ($60/visit vs $120-140/visit).  My insurance doesn't cover this physical therapy office, so I would be 'out of network' and we have such a high deductable, that I just asked what it would cost to not go through insurance and I was floored!  Self-pay it is! 

Coughing, Freezing, Planting, Painting

A long post with lots of words and no pictures.

A few weeks ago Seth was sick.  He sat on the couch for three solid days watching movies (I had no idea that there was enough Pink Panther cartoons to last three days).  He had a violent cough (he threw up several times because he was coughing so hard).  He got better and then then the next week Mark and I started in with the same thing.  Mark stayed home from school Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and the following Monday.  I went into the school to get some homework for him but he just didn't have the energy to do anything.  He just sat on the couch and watched movies (Harry Potter series and  Naruto),  He finally had the energy to go back to school and is doing fine now.  April has been a long month of people being sick in this house.  I buy tissues by the case at Costco and we have been blowing through this last case really fast (ha ha do you get the pun?  We are 'blowing' through them!?!?)  I am finally feeling better (but the boys didn't even realize that I was sick because I didn't have the luxury of sitting on the couch for three solid days, even though I really wanted/needed to).

Mark finally went back to school on Tuesday and I had to check him out of school early for a dermatologist appointment that we had made a while back.  Mark has eczema and it got really bad this winter.  It spread all over his torso, legs and arms.  When he wasn't putting lotion on it regularly, it got really dry, swollen and in some places it cracked open.  A few months ago I asked to see how the rash was doing and I noticed some little bumps (looked like a cross between a pimple and a wart) on the torso/underarm section that hadn't been there before.  I checked the rash a few weeks later and more bumps were there, so I called and made an appointment with a dermatologist.  She is normally booked out a few months, but there was a cancellation a few weeks out, so we took it. 

It turns out that these bumps are not part of the rash but something called mulloscum contagiosm (sounds like a spell from Harry Potter!) It is a skin virus that is contagious and most people have been exposed to them, but aren't aware of it because they usually only get 1 or 2 bumps.  The bumps are benign and don't cause any problems if left untreated and they usually go away on their own in 2 months.  Mark's skin reacted differently to them because of his eczema and the bumps spread.  His will most likely not go away on their own (and if they did it would take 1-2 years) so the doctor determined that it would be best to treat them to get rid of them.  He has to get the bumps burned off with liquid nitrogen.  Because he has so many (around 50) and it is painful to burn them off, he will need to go back every 3 weeks to have as many burned off as he can tolerate until they are gone.  He was quite brave while having them worked on.

I have been working on projects in the yard as my health and the weather have allowed.  The other day I was pulling weeds and it started to snow!  I had to hurry and finish, but my fingers were freezing!  It isn't too often that I have to come in from gardening because I am cold! 

We went to IFA to look at the baby chicks yesterday.  They were so adorable!  Mark tried to talk me into buying a duck.  I wasn't tempted to take any of the animals home, but I really loved the little loppy eared rabbits and the chicks.  We bought a few strawberry plants and I hope to plant them this coming week.  This will be our small start to having a garden. 

I have been working on painting my master bathroom.  We have wanted to paint it ever since we moved in because the color has a lot of pink tones in it (it is a light beige) and I don't care for it.  Since the weather has been rainy and cold, I decided to do some inside work and I bought the paint.  I forgot how much time it takes to paint a bathroom.  There is so much cut-in work to do!  I bought the low-odor paint and it has been so nice!  My house doesn't smell like paint!  I am defiantly happy with this paint!  I have a lot of touch ups to do tomorrow and a bit of work to get some new things done for the bathroom, but hopefully it will come together soon.  I am anxious to use the new towels that my parents gave us for Christmas.  I told myself that I had to wait until I painted to use them and I have waited long enough!  I am so anxious to wrap myself in a new fuzzy towel!

Thinking

 I've been thinking,
A dangerous pastime
I know.

I have been struggling with writing my PhD posts.  I have sat down many times with the intent to write them and hopefully get ahead by a few weeks, but I sit at the computer and I can't figure out what to write.  I have the questions and topics all written out and I have even outlined some of the answers, but I am struggling to write them out.  I wasn't quite so sure why until I started thinking about things and piecing together how I have been doing the past few months.

I keep a calendar by my bed where I keep track of how I am feeling.  I track my headaches, gastrointestinal problems, my period and my mental health.  It wasn't until I looked at the past three months together that I found a pattern.  I have a big fat 'D' on most days.  D stands for depression on the calendar.  I rate my depression level with D (blah, downer day), D1 (can't stand to be around myself day), D2 (BAD) D3 (REALLY bad).  I haven't had a D3 since right after Seth was born, and I am not complaining.  I am glad that I have just dealt with 'blah' days and nothing more serious, but three months of this?  Blah!

I took a good look in my closet and it confirmed that I am feeling depressed.  I usually keep it really organized, but when I just don't really care, it gets really messy.  I don't hang up my clothes by color and style, I am just happy to have the clothes hung up.  Clothes get piled up on the floor instead of in the laundry basket 2 feet away.  I have had good days where I have cleaned things up and gotten things back on track, so I guess that I didn't realize how often the bad days were here because I have had quite a few good days.

The reason I have been struggling with writing my blog entries is because I really struggle with writing when I am depressed.  I second guess myself.  I don't even leave comments on other blogs or Facebook status updates.

My PhD is going to be on hold for a while.  I really do want to work on it, but it isn't going to work right now.  The last thing I want to do is force the answers and force a post.

I'm thinking about what I want to do about the depression.  I have been terrible about going exercising and I know that it helps my mental state  a lot.  I am going to go to the gym even if I don't feel like it this week.  I knew that it will help me feel better.  Don't worry about me, I really am doing good. I am just aware that I have been more down than I thought I had been and I am going to work on changing that.

The Many Faces of Jane

Jane's face is very expressive.  She seems to have a different expression all of the time.  The face that she gives people a lot is her furrowed brow look.  I'm not sure what she is thinking or what to call it other than the furrowed brow.   Here are some expressions that I have caught on camera recently:

Happy

Sad

Confused

The Furrowed Brow

Exhausted

Surprised

 

Content

Curious

The other morning Paul and Jane were looking out of the laundry room window together.  Paul decided to go outside and surprise her.  I love to see how tender he is with his little sister!  Jane's face lit up when she saw Paul outside.  She looked up at me with the biggest grin.  It was such a fun little moment to share!  

Jane has made a lot of advancements in the past few months.  She started to sit up unassisted the first part of December. This is also when she started eating solids.  By mid-December, she was rolling over.  The first part of January is when she figured out how to crawl and pull herself up to the furniture.  She is now a pro at crawling and scooting around the furniture.  She has been letting go of the furniture and balancing for a few seconds here and there, so it is just a matter of time before she is walking.   In January two of her bottom teeth came in and in February she had her 'fangs' come in.  She was rather clingy when her teeth hurt, but she didn't seem too miserable.  It was actually nice to have her wanting to be held and cuddled (except for when I needed to make dinner!)

Jane is 9 months old today.  I seriously cannot believe how quickly time has gone.  This morning I watched some of the videos that we took of her when she was first born.  That seems so long ago.  That baby seems almost like a stranger to me because Jane has changed so much in the past 9 months.  She has been a lot of fun to be around.  I am so happy to have her in my family.  

Today was the day I was hoping to be at my pre-pregnancy weight.  You know the saying "It took 9 months to put it on, it takes 9 months to take it off".  That was my mantra until a few weeks ago when I realized that 9 months was just around the corner and I wasn't willing to put in the work to loose the weight really fast.  I have 8 pounds to work off (to get to my pre-pregnancy weight and another 5 to get to where I was 2 years ago).  I have a stack of jeans that I would love to wear, I just need to drop another 5 or so pounds to wear them.  I think that with the weather getting nicer I will be more active (or at the very least the sun will be shining more and I won't feel so depressed).  I really need to just kick into gear and make my workouts more effective.  I went to a kick-boxing class and loved it, but I couldn't move for two days!  I just need to go and quit making excuses.  

My new mantra is "Be patient- work hard- work with purpose"

Disoriented

I have had a migraine since Friday afternoon.  It has eased, but I still feel woozy and out of it.  It is the migraine hangover.  It sucks.  I haven't had a headache this bad for a long time.  I cannot believe that this was my status quo a few years ago.  I felt like this ALL of the time for the most part of two years. 

Anyhow, I am taking today easy and not spending much time on the computer.  My PhD post will not be done today.  If tomorrow is better I might do it then, or I will just wait until next week. 

A little funny thing that I want to share.  Seth wakes up around midnight nearly every night to use the bathroom.  He has a tough time getting his body to the bathroom, so he stands in his room and cries sometimes until someone helps direct him to the bathroom.  He is awake, but he is completely disoriented.  He knows that he needs to go to the bathroom, but he can't figure out how to get there.  I have found him standing next to the window in his room, 'stuck' in front of the wall in his room trying to get out to go to the bathroom.  Some nights he is so out of it that he needs help taking his pants down.  Sometimes the things he does is quite comical. Last night was one of them.

He was sleeping downstairs in the hut that he and Paul made.  He woke up and stood next to his hut.  I directed him to the bathroom and fixed the blankets for him to make getting back to be easier.  Seth started to holler (I can never understand what he says when he is out of it like this) so I went to the bathroom to help him.  The bathroom door wasn't closed all of the way because the cabinet door under the sink was open all of the way.  Seth was standing right in front of the sink acting like he was trying to find a handle to flush.  I was really confused until I realized that he had urinated into the bathroom cabinet.  The towels were freshly wet and the floor had a little puddle.  Seriously?  I took the towels out of the cabinet and went into the hallway to get a Clorox rag to clean up.  While I was in the hallway, I told Seth to go get back into bed.  He said okay and turned toward the shower, moved the curtain back and started to get into the tub!  I redirected him and he went back into his little hut and fell asleep immediately. 

I asked him about this incident this morning.  He said that he remembered getting up to use the bathroom.  I asked if he remembered peeing on the towels and walking into the bathtub.  He got really upset and told me to stop making up lies about him.  The story really does sound unbelievable, but it really did happen.

I will work on a post about the chore chart later.  Let's hope that this migraine will go away soon.  Blah.

Broken

I think that I am broken.

I have a short fuse.

Initial Reaction

Saturday night (or rather Sunday morning at 1 a.m.) Daniel got a phone call informing him that his dad had been in a motorcycle accident.  He was in Roosevelt and Life Flight was going to take him to University of Utah hospital.  Daniel had just come home from a movie with his sister Andrea.  She is in town for their brother Chris's wedding on Tuesday.  When we got the news, all we knew was that he was stable, but needed attention that a small hospital couldn't provide.

It would be interesting to ask everyone what their initial reaction was because it may be that no one had the same reaction.  We are all in such different emotional places that our reactions won't necessarily be the same.

When Daniel told me, my first thought and what I said to him was "Oh, your poor Mom".  Janet's mother died on Wednesday of last week (July 28th) and now she has to deal with possibly loosing her husband. 

Andrea's first thought was "I almost went home with him, I could have been on that bike".

Daniel instantly felt sorry for his Dad because of the pain he must be in. 

The beautiful thing about it is that there isn't a right or a wrong way to feel.  We all have the ability to deal with situations differently.      


So here is what I know about Dad's accident.  He hit a deer while riding his motorcycle through Wolf Creek Pass.  His most serious injury is a punctured lung.  He has broken ribs and broke both of his wrists.  He should be having surgery on his wrists today.  So far there hasn't been talk of when he will be released.  He is doing as well as can be expected. 

We are making preparations for the wedding tomorrow.  Last minute changes and such have moved the wedding luncheon to my house.  I have just had to accept that I can't do things to the house that I would prefer to do before hosting a party here (like changing the curtains in the kitchen and cleaning corners and  closets).  It will be all I can do to get the food prepped and furniture moved around. Oh bother! 

It's Back

The last time I shaved my legs was in February of this year.  It isn't groundbreaking news that I hate shaving my legs, but I normally don't go 5 months without shaving.  The reason I haven't shaved my legs is because my leg hair stopped growing, as well as my underarm hair.  Seriously, it stopped growing in.  I had a couple dozen hairs that were long but not enough to justify shaving.  It was somehow related to the hormones from pregnancy, although I had never experienced it before with my other pregnancies. 

Well, the hair is back.  It wasn't there last week, but it is here now.  I have a small jungle growing on my legs.  I guess that it is time to break out the razor again. 

The hair on my head was thicker while I was pregnant, but now I am shedding hair.   I am seriously shedding like a dog.  When I run my fingers through my hair I collect a few hairs.  It is so gross.   This has happened with all of my pregnancies.  I enjoyed the thicker hair while it lasted.  Isn't there a way to keep the hair on my head and send the leg hair up there as well?  Sigh...

I guess that this marks the final surge of pregnancy hormones.  

Oil Can

My body is sore.  My muscles ache.  Every time I move, I feel like my muscles are squeaking, calling out like the Tin Man for his trusty oil can.  If you haven't guessed by now, I joined the gym and I started exercising again.  My sister-in-law, Wendy, got me a great deal at Gold's Gym.  I have been feeling really down about my body lately, and I needed to start working out.  I had purchased a new DVD (Jillian's 30 Day Shred) but it was collecting dust, still in the wrapper.  I had no motivation to crank it out and I was struggling to find a time to work out without interruptions.  When Wendy called with the awesome deal (under $10 a month) I took it.

I went to a Pilates class on Wednesday night.  It was good, but my muscles were shaking toward the end of the hour.  My stomach muscles were not loving me, but it felt good.  Wendy and I stood in the parking lot and talked to each other for 2 1/2 hours after the workout.  I didn't get home until midnight, but I had a great night.  Daniel called me while I was on the way home to see where I was.  He was a bit worried about me because I was out so late.  (The class started at 8pm, so I told him I would be home around 9:30!)

Friday morning I went to a water aerobics class.  I really like water aerobics.  It really is too bad that I didn't have the gym membership while I was pregnant.  I had a gym membership a few years back and I went to this class 3 times a week.  I really like the instructor.  I am typically the youngest person in the class, but the ladies (and sometimes a few men) are really nice and I enjoy their company.

I am really excited to get back into shape and lose some weight.  It is discouraging to have only one pair of pants that fit (and they have a huge hole in the knee).  The sad thing is that I don't even fit into some of my maternity pants that I wore until I was 7 months pregnant.  I gained a lot of weight in my thighs during the last trimester and I didn't realize it until afterward.   I know that I just had a baby, but that doesn't change the fact that I really don't have any pants that fit.  I felt better about the way I looked two weeks after Jane was born than I do now.  I can't explain it.  Perhaps I was more patient with myself last month than I am right now.  Really, how long can the "I just had a baby" excuse be used? 

Daniel has been very supportive by encouraging me to go to the gym and by holding down the fort during the evening routine so that I can go.  I know that regular exercise helps my mental status a lot.  Right now I need as much help as I can get in that department.  It really is unfortunate that I can come up with so many excuses to not work out.  With time my body won't be so sore, (I really am taking it easy getting into the groove of things) and I will have more energy.  It always seems so strange that I don't want to go because I am so tired, but I feel so energized when I am done.  Daniel is such a wonderful husband. 

Right now our house is rather quiet.  Daniel took the boys to Grand Junction, Colorado to visit with his brother Sam and his family and to help them move into a new place.  I was planning on going, but I started panicking about traveling with a baby.  Just thinking about all of the stuff that we'd need to pack for Jane, and figuring out what food to bring for me was too much.  I stayed home with Jane and made it a girl's only weekend.  I have started cleaning out the garage (something I really needed to do a year ago!) and have made good progress.  It has been too hot to work on it during the day, so I've done a bit here and there in the morning and evening while Jane sleeps.  Daniel most likely won't be able to park in the garage when he gets home, but it will be done in a few days and it will be wonderful to have a clean garage!  It has been such a mess that when I pull into the garage, I feel sad and discouraged (and a bit disgusted with myself that it has gotten to such a state).  That is NOT the way I want to feel when I come home, so I am going to make it feel organized and welcoming.   

Side Effects

A lot of things have side effects that we anticipate.  Having a baby, I knew that a side effect is that I would be tired.  Even with Daniel taking one (and sometimes two) middle of the night feedings, I am still tired.  I have had a lot more energy at this point of recovery than I ever remember having with the boys.  Typically my first time out and about has been to go to my 6 week appointment.  I have been doing a lot this time around because, although tired, I have had more energy and emotional stability.  I credit going on an antidepressant from day one as helping me through this recovery period.  However, medications are not free from side effects and I realized that I am having an undesirable side effect to my medication. 

The past month or so I have felt dizzy and light headed.  This is a typical response to limited sleep and anemia, so I passed it off as that- until I got the dreaded dizzy migraine and I had an 'ah ha' moment.  I have taken this medication (Welbutrin) a few times before.  I looked through my journals and discovered that I started having dizzy spells and nasty headaches about 6-8 weeks after starting the meds.  My doctor and I had dismissed the medication as the culprit because of the amount of time that had elapsed before the dizzy spells and headaches started.  My journals indicated that the dizzy spells and headaches stopped about 2 months after taking the medication for 6-12 months.  (The dizzy migraine is just one of several types of migraines that I have experienced, so I know that the diet I eat keeps me from experiencing different types of headaches.)

My body started in with the undesirable side effects earlier this time, we think, because it has been in my system before and is more sensitive to it.  So, I had to wrestle with the decision to stop the antidepressant, or continue with debilitating headaches. I have tried many different antidepressants over the last 15 years.  Some just don't work for me, others work, but have undesirable side effects.  So, I opted to discontinue the med and not start another kind.  The choice was easy to make, as I hoped that depression wouldn't be a huge issue for me this time around.  I was 5 weeks postpartum and I was done breastfeeding.  I hoped that my body was healthy enough to handle the hormonal surges (or whatever it is that causes the depression) and not be depressed. 

I was wrong.  Very wrong.

I quit taking the med about 10 days ago and I have felt myself slowly slipping into a dark and dreaded funk.  I have been trying very hard to fight against it, but I don't know how much longer that will work.  I am scared.  I hate this.
 
Needless to say, this has been a difficult week.  This week is the reason I was scared to have a baby.  I know that I will weather through this time and I will be okay.  I wish that I could escape this and just spend time enjoying my family. 

Anxiety

For the past few years I have struggled with being in places where there are large groups of people.  I tend to get really anxious and feel uncomfortable even when I know that I am in a safe place.  Being in a place where I don't know anyone is sometimes relieving because I can be anonymous and if I need to leave, I don't have to explain to anyone, I can just leave.  I have avoided going to events because I get really anxious before going and sometimes wind up in tears before I go just because I am afraid.  I don't know exactly what I am afraid of, but it has prevented me from doing a lot of things.  I have missed out on a lot of neighborhood lunches, play dates and girl's nights because of this unexplainable fear.

The past few weeks I have had a lot of anxiety attacks.  I seem to do okay at home, but when I go out into the 'real world', I become paralyzed.  Just going to the grocery store has been overwhelming to me.  Not every time, but more often than not.  I don't understand it.  I 'freaked out' the other day when I had the boys and Jane with me.  I could barely see straight and I my ability to think was really cloudy.  I had taken the kids to the park for a picnic dinner.  We were the only ones at the park, but the wind was really strong and the dinner we picked up at Kentucky Fried Chicken on our way to the park turned out to be a disappointment (They didn't give us any napkins, plates or utensils- making the majority of the dinner nearly impossible to eat.  It was highly overpriced too.  We won't be KFC customers again.)  I yelled at the kids, I went crazy and told them that if they weren't in the van when I pulled out, that they would need to figure out their own way of getting home.  I needed to be home NOW and I was terrified.  I scared the boys and upset Jane with how rough I was getting the car seat in the van.  I cried all of the way home.  I told the boys that they didn't do anything wrong, that I was having a difficult time and needed to be home.  They ate their dinner very silently and then I gave them some popsicles and had them go play outside.  I held Jane while feeding her and I sobbed.  Daniel woke up at this time and I had him take Jane so I could go and compose myself.  I couldn't stop crying.  It really sucked.  It took me an hour to calm down enough to go and say goodnight to the boys.  I am so glad that they are patient with me.  I wish that I could be as patient with them.

I am hoping that this is a temporary effect from my hormones still settling down.  I need to be patient with myself.  My baby is only three weeks old.  I have been feeling so good physically that I have been wanting to be more active than I was at this point with my other babies.  I have had good days, okay days, bad days and ugly days in the past three weeks.  Honestly I have had a lot of okay days, but the bad and ugly days always seem like a dark cloud threatening to ruin my good days.  (Tut, tut, it looks like rain!)

Any suggestions for braving through an anxiety attack?

I Did the Right Thing

Yesterday was a difficult day.  Paul stayed home from school because he had a stomach ache, Seth was really clingy and Jane was having a difficult time staying asleep.  She was fine as long as I was holding her, but Seth really needed some attention.  I was struggling with wanting to be a mom.  I was trying to keep myself together because I knew that Seth would be scared if I started to cry in front of him. 

In the middle of not wanting to be a mom and just wanting to go to sleep, Jane was hungry and I had to stop everything to feed her.  It was then that I realized that I made the right choice to stop breastfeeding.  Yesterday was difficult for me, but I know that it was made easier by being able to give her a bottle.  Up until that point, I still felt like I should give it a try again because I'm still leaking, but know I know that I made the right decision last week.  Although it was a discouraging day, I am glad to finally feel good about my decision to bottle feed.

As I mentioned earlier, Seth has been really clingy.  He doesn't really want to go play at his friend's house and I'm not too excited about having friends over here right now.  I think that going to Ben's house for 3 nights and then coming home to a new baby has thrown him off.  If he does go and play he only wants to be gone for one hour.  He is getting his security from our house and from being around me or Daniel.  He loves Jane and enjoys being around her, but he really has been needing some extra attention to feel secure.  Luckily he hasn't been acting out in any other way.  He just wants to be near us and involved in what we are doing.  He has been waking up at night (typically around the same time Daniel is up with Jane) so the three of them will sit in Daniel's office and watch a little movie together for 30 minutes or so.  Daniel doesn't mind doing this because he knows that it is helping Seth feel more secure.

A guy that Daniel works with is getting married in October and the company is thinking about having Daniel come out Atlanta to be in charge of the servers while Andy is on his honeymoon.  We talked about having the entire family go out to Georgia and Seth got really worried.  He wanted to know how long we would be gone and if he had to go.  He obsessed over it for several days.  Nothing is set in stone and we need to see how our finances look after paying the hospital bill, so we just told Seth that no one was going to Georgia and that we were all staying here.  He relaxed a lot.  We figure that October is a bit down the road, so he may be more open to the adventure in a few months. 

I am really excited about the prospect of going back to Georgia.  We'll have to see how things play out!

I Snapped

Thursday night was a long night for me (and Daniel).  I was really sore and engorged from my milk coming in. (It came in Wednesday afternoon)  I really thought that I could handle breastfeeding.  I knew that I just needed to make it through the first week, but I am not strong enough to tough it out right now.  I started getting angry with Jane because she just wasn't eating enough to relieve the engorgement.  I was so exhausted, sore and scared.  I told myself that the first sign of me blaming the baby or getting upset with her, I needed to stop.  I tried pumping an ounce off of both sides.  That relieved me for about 30 minutes before they started hurting again.  Jane was hungry, so I tried feeding her, but the latch on was extremely painful and I lost it.  I started sobbing (again) as Daniel took Jane from me and tried to settle her down while I tried to settle down.  He fed her the milk I had pumped.  She downed it in 2 minutes.  It took me an hour to collect it.

My breasts are so huge it is ridiculous.  They are really heavy and hard as rocks.  I can't fold my arms, sit up close to the table, or sleep on my side.  Sleeping on my back hurts, but not as much.  My back is tender from the epidural site so I feel like I can't sleep on my back or my sides.  My breasts are so huge that I decided to measure them.  They are 21 inches around. (that is as big around as my thigh)  Jane's head is only 14 inches around.

I am now trying to dry my milk up.  It hurts.  I am using cabbage leaves and I smell lovely.

I realized that giving up breastfeeding is difficult emotionally  because I am giving up ownership of my baby.  I have been her sole source of life and I am handing it off to a source that anyone can provide for her.  She isn't exclusively mine anymore.

I snapped like this with Paul around the 6 week mark and with Seth around the 3 week mark.  I really thought that I would last longer than just 3 days.  I am sad, but know that I need to do what is best for me and the baby.  Bottle feeding is going well.  I am more relaxed about feeding times.  I finally got more than 2 hours of sleep at a time (and it felt wonderful!)  Daniel is grateful for being able to spend some time with her.  He took all of the night time feedings last night (and I got 7 hours of sleep- not continuous, but still 7 hours!)  He said that he is now able to bond with Jane because he gets to spend more time with her. 

I keep having self imposed twinges of guilt for giving up breastfeeding so soon.  Emotionally and physically I cannot do it any longer.  Being patient with myself is difficult. 

I have been crying so much the last two weeks.  I really hope that this is just the baby blues and not something more.  Hopefully with more regular sleep I will get feeling better.