Thinking

 I've been thinking,
A dangerous pastime
I know.

I have been struggling with writing my PhD posts.  I have sat down many times with the intent to write them and hopefully get ahead by a few weeks, but I sit at the computer and I can't figure out what to write.  I have the questions and topics all written out and I have even outlined some of the answers, but I am struggling to write them out.  I wasn't quite so sure why until I started thinking about things and piecing together how I have been doing the past few months.

I keep a calendar by my bed where I keep track of how I am feeling.  I track my headaches, gastrointestinal problems, my period and my mental health.  It wasn't until I looked at the past three months together that I found a pattern.  I have a big fat 'D' on most days.  D stands for depression on the calendar.  I rate my depression level with D (blah, downer day), D1 (can't stand to be around myself day), D2 (BAD) D3 (REALLY bad).  I haven't had a D3 since right after Seth was born, and I am not complaining.  I am glad that I have just dealt with 'blah' days and nothing more serious, but three months of this?  Blah!

I took a good look in my closet and it confirmed that I am feeling depressed.  I usually keep it really organized, but when I just don't really care, it gets really messy.  I don't hang up my clothes by color and style, I am just happy to have the clothes hung up.  Clothes get piled up on the floor instead of in the laundry basket 2 feet away.  I have had good days where I have cleaned things up and gotten things back on track, so I guess that I didn't realize how often the bad days were here because I have had quite a few good days.

The reason I have been struggling with writing my blog entries is because I really struggle with writing when I am depressed.  I second guess myself.  I don't even leave comments on other blogs or Facebook status updates.

My PhD is going to be on hold for a while.  I really do want to work on it, but it isn't going to work right now.  The last thing I want to do is force the answers and force a post.

I'm thinking about what I want to do about the depression.  I have been terrible about going exercising and I know that it helps my mental state  a lot.  I am going to go to the gym even if I don't feel like it this week.  I knew that it will help me feel better.  Don't worry about me, I really am doing good. I am just aware that I have been more down than I thought I had been and I am going to work on changing that.