From Manager to Consultant

My cousin posted this on her Facebook page and I really like it.  I like the sentiment, the comparisons and the responsibilities it defines.  Seeing as how I am raising three boys who will one day be men and one girl who will be a woman, it is a heavy responsibility to accept that Daniel and I are the ones in charge of giving them experiences and teaching moments to learn how to be wise and compassionate individuals. 

Over the years I have read a lot of parenting books.  Some are great resources and others just haven't fit into my paradigm of parenting.    I'm glad that I have the confidence in my abilities to take bits and pieces of books here and there and add them to my parenting tool belt and leave advice on the table that I don't agree with. 

A few years ago I started to read books about dealing with teenagers.  I wanted to get a feel of what to expect before I had a teen in the house.  I've read a lot about physical, mental and emotional development of teenagers.  I've read tips and hints of how to deal with things, but nothing prepared me for actually dealing with the teenager in MY home!  I don't think that there is a book out there that can prescribe exactly how to do things in my family because the dynamics of each family is so different. Even the dynamics of each child is different.  Right now I really wish that I could figure out how to be better at my reactions, because that is where I am struggling right now- I get upset over behaviors and it escalates the situation instead of calming them.  Sometimes I think that I am acting like the teenager! 

I came across two books that I really enjoyed reading.  They are both by Michael Riera, PhD.  They are considered to be companion books, so they compliment each other and sometimes repeat the same information.  The first book is titled: Uncommon Sense for Parents with Teenagers  
and the second book is titled: Staying Connected To Your Teenager. 

Before I return these to the library, I wanted to jot down a few of the notes that I took while reading them, so here we go.

The big paradigm shift that Dr. Riera pushes in his books is for parents to go from being the manager to being the consultant (except for situations of health and safety) of your teen.  This is a hard thing to do, but I can see how beneficial it is.  We have stepped back from managing Mark in stages- as his maturity progresses- and it has really helped our relationship!

I really like this idea.  I see how parents who don't give up the role of manager struggle with their teens.  In Uncommon Sense for Parents with Teenagers, he says:

As a consultant, you willingly give up the illusion of power in favor of real influence.  Clinging to pseudo-power over a teenager is what inadvertently leads him into accepting sneakiness and lying as viable strategies within the parent-adolescent relationship. pg. 7   

He talks about how if you find yourself fighting with your teen over and over again about the same thing (a friend, hairstyle, clothes, messy room, church etc.) that you need to step away from the problem and focus on your energy on healing your relationship because your connection affects them more than your words or expectations. 

Dr. Riera says that confusion is good.  Say what?  I hate to be confused.   We tend to try to stay in our comfort zone and when we are pushed outside of that comfort zone, we feel confusion.  That confusion, if confronted and worked on, turns into clarity and allows our comfort zone to expand.  The problem that we tend to run into is that we mistake confusion for stupidity or something negative of that sort and we turn to the fight or flight instinct.  Confusion is an opportunity to learn something new, so it is a good thing.  With a bit of patience and persistence, you will find that clarity will replace the confusion.  This concept applies to adults as well as teens.

There is a section on integrity that I really enjoyed.  He showed how having a high level of integrity (he uses integrity as a sense of wholeness or completeness) contributes to having good self-esteem.  He argues that there is a difference between integrity and morality in the view that morality informs you of what choices are available for a circumstance and integrity is what you actually do in those moments.  The time that a teen learns most about his integrity is when he does something and regrets it.  They learn to value their integrity through failures.  He teaches that as a consulting parent you should help your child tune into their own intuition.  Help them recognize that intuition and integrity go hand in hand- you are able to hear your intuition better when you are behaving in ways that keeps your integrity  in check. 

I've never been a mother to a 12-year-old before and this is Mark's first time being 12, so we need to cut each other some slack in learning our roles.  I've told Mark this several times now and I get a little laugh out of him.  I'm trying to understand Mark and apply what I learn into improving my relationship with him.  Our relationship really improved when I loosened the apron strings a bit.  I will continue to loosen the apron strings as he gets older.  Pretty soon he'll be wearing his own apron- he'll be completely in charge of his own life.  I'm kind of excited to see what kind of man he will be.  As hard as it is to raise children, I am looking forward to this stage of parenthood.