A lot of things have side effects that we anticipate. Having a baby, I knew that a side effect is that I would be tired. Even with Daniel taking one (and sometimes two) middle of the night feedings, I am still tired. I have had a lot more energy at this point of recovery than I ever remember having with the boys. Typically my first time out and about has been to go to my 6 week appointment. I have been doing a lot this time around because, although tired, I have had more energy and emotional stability. I credit going on an antidepressant from day one as helping me through this recovery period. However, medications are not free from side effects and I realized that I am having an undesirable side effect to my medication.
The past month or so I have felt dizzy and light headed. This is a typical response to limited sleep and anemia, so I passed it off as that- until I got the dreaded dizzy migraine and I had an 'ah ha' moment. I have taken this medication (Welbutrin) a few times before. I looked through my journals and discovered that I started having dizzy spells and nasty headaches about 6-8 weeks after starting the meds. My doctor and I had dismissed the medication as the culprit because of the amount of time that had elapsed before the dizzy spells and headaches started. My journals indicated that the dizzy spells and headaches stopped about 2 months after taking the medication for 6-12 months. (The dizzy migraine is just one of several types of migraines that I have experienced, so I know that the diet I eat keeps me from experiencing different types of headaches.)
My body started in with the undesirable side effects earlier this time, we think, because it has been in my system before and is more sensitive to it. So, I had to wrestle with the decision to stop the antidepressant, or continue with debilitating headaches. I have tried many different antidepressants over the last 15 years. Some just don't work for me, others work, but have undesirable side effects. So, I opted to discontinue the med and not start another kind. The choice was easy to make, as I hoped that depression wouldn't be a huge issue for me this time around. I was 5 weeks postpartum and I was done breastfeeding. I hoped that my body was healthy enough to handle the hormonal surges (or whatever it is that causes the depression) and not be depressed.
I was wrong. Very wrong.
I quit taking the med about 10 days ago and I have felt myself slowly slipping into a dark and dreaded funk. I have been trying very hard to fight against it, but I don't know how much longer that will work. I am scared. I hate this.
Needless to say, this has been a difficult week. This week is the reason I was scared to have a baby. I know that I will weather through this time and I will be okay. I wish that I could escape this and just spend time enjoying my family.
Oh, Sherron -- I am so sorry. When we visited you (so briefly) you looked energetic, your color was really good, and I said to you that you looked better than you had in a long time. I did not mean of course that you had looked "bad" before, just that you looked more healthy now. And so, of course you are so disappointed. You had been recovering, feeling healthy, and now you have to face depression Again!
ReplyDeleteYou have a good outlook -- hang in there, keep talking and sharing. How great that you had kept a journal so you could look back and make some decisions based on past experience. We love you and I know how you feel even though my problems are not the same as yours. The desire and disappointment are immense. Get the sleep you need, and take care. We love you and hope as you do, that in a few weeks you will perk up again. Hugs, Mom Taylor
Hang in there Sherron. Our thoughts and prayers are with you and this too shall pass. :)
ReplyDeleteI've been there too. That's why we don't have any more babies. It's too hard to juggle no sleep, new baby, hormones, and anti-depressants that don't work well. I know you can figure it out. Sleep as much as you can, and talk to your doctor again. Love ya!
ReplyDeleteSo sorry Sherron.:-( I've been there too to some degree. Hang in there and don't be afraid to ask for help...BTW, is it ok to stop by and see you and Jane? I've been waiting for the green light for visitors from you and I really want to see that cute girl in person! I will try to refrain from chewing on her cheeks. :-)
ReplyDeleteTry as hard as we want we can't fight against it because it's a chemical imbalance. That is what is so frustrating because we think if I just try harder it will get better, but it's not about our will to make it go away, but about a chemical out of wack. Then it becomes a decision, do I go back on meds to put the chemicals back in balance or live with how I feel and try to make the best of it. Sometimes both options stink. I hope you feel better because I totally hate the after giving birth depression. The more kids I had, the longer it took to go away. I will keep you in my prayers...
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