I Feel Invisible, Awkward and Old

Lately I have had a strange feeling about me.  I feel kind of invisible.  Kind of like a song  James Taylor sings about being an invisible man .  A lot of this feeling comes from being nearly constantly ignored by the boys.  I will ask them to do something and it will go completely ignored.  I have had to say ask them to acknowledge my voice before talking to them.  It is driving me crazy. 

Some of this invisibleness comes from being in the doldrums.  The weather isn’t fun right now.  The air is so yucky and cold that it is hard to get any of my ‘sunshine vitamins’.  The boys can’t go play outside and that just adds fuel to the cabin fever fire.  There is a storm brewing and I hope that it brings a good snow storm because then we can spend some time sledding. 

I guess feeling invisible is a good thing right now because I also feel awkward.  I am officially in the awkward clothing stage of pregnancy.  I’m too big for my regular clothes and too small for most maternity clothes. 

I was reading through some of my recovered journal entries and found one that I wrote when I was 5 months pregnant with Seth.  It said, “I have only gained 15 pounds so far!  I am so excited!”  I had to laugh because I have gained only 5 pounds so far with this pregnancy and I am struggling accepting the added weight.  I know that it sounds petty and stupid, but I have been terrified about gaining a lot of weight like I did with Mark (I gained 45 pounds).  I am eating a lot healthier this time around, so that will help a lot.  I know that I need to gain weight- I just didn’t think that it would be so difficult emotionally.  I am one of those pregnant women that I always hated when I was pregnant with the boys.  I was wearing maternity clothes when I was 3-4 months along and felt huge.  I know that I will get to the point where I feel big, but it has been so strange to be at the half way point and not feel that way yet. 

Today I took the boys swimming.  We picked up my nieces (Mieren and Alys) and we spend the afternoon at the Kearns pool.  My friend Sam Page works there.  She was my Young Woman’s teacher when I was a beehive (age 12).  I use to babysit her kids a lot.  Two of her kids were working at the pool today so I got to see them.  Carson is in his late teens and Erin is in her early 20’s (she is waiting for her mission call to arrive!).  It has been a good 11-15 years since I have seen Sam’s kids.  It made me feel kind of old to see them.  They were the age that my kids are when I last saw them! 

After the pool we went to Del Taco for a late lunch.  We were gone from 10 a.m. until 4p.m.  I am exhausted, but had a great day.  I completely enjoyed being in the pool for two reasons.  The first was hanging out with Seth.  He is SO MUCH FUN to be around!  We had a blast exploring the pool and working on his swimming skills.  He put on a life jacket and came into the deep water to hang out with the bigger kids.  He loved the freedom of not having to hang onto me when he couldn’t touch the bottom.  Man, Seth is just such a great kid!

The second reason I loved being in the pool is that the weight of my belly (little as it may be for the moment) was lifted off and I felt wonderful.  I remember taking Mark swimming a lot when I was pregnant with Paul because I loved sitting in the pool.   I am going to look into taking some water aerobic classes.  

It is only the second week of the month and this is my 6th post.  I reached my 100th post the other day.  I definitely have written more since the Taylor Times switched from email format to blog.